Chronicles of Dementia

TENDULKAR FINDS 100TH 100 ON CRICINFO PROFILE, CONFUSED

2012-01-21T12:15:00.001+05:30

Adelaide: The entire nation of India is ecstatic, confused, delirious and upset all at the same time, as master blaster, little genius, Bradman incarnate (etc etc) Sachin Tendulkar was found to have a 100th century on his Cricinfo profile.

"I have absolutely no idea what happened... I just woke up this morning to check my Cricinfo profile to see how many runs I had... And was shocked to see that I had 100 international centuries. I was shocked.", revealed the little master to CoD's roving cricket journalist.

: Tendulkar's Cricinfo profile which clearly shows 100 international centuries

This comes on the heel of the news of one Bengali professor finding 490 billion rupees in his SBI bank account, and no one knows where the money came from.

"I was initially confused... But then I realised that Cricinfo is the authority on Cricket and couldn't have possibly made a mistake, so I guess I have 100 international centuries now.", said the little master, looking up to the skies for a brief moment before adjusting his abdomen pad and asking for the sightscreen to be moved.

Also, the master blaster seems to have broken Brian Lara's world records of 400* in a Test match and 501* in a First Class match, as his new highest score was put up as 502*.

"To be honest, I don't remember scoring that. I once remember I was playing EA Cricket 2010 on Virat's XBox with him and I had made Dinesh Mongia score 433* against the MCC XI, but I quite honestly don't remember this...", said the little genius.

"Anyway, I'm relieved... It feels great to have scored that 100th century (whether I did it or not)", said the little wizard before going on and scoring a quickfire double century in a game against a local XI. "I know can play with freedom". Australia at Adelaide had better be scared. Very scared.

The news has been greeted with contrasting views by India's cricket-crazy population and the media.
The average fan is ecstatic, finally getting the bugbear of waiting for SRT to score his 100th. "FINALLY! Now I can stop doing poojas every morning", screamed out one cricket fan from Varanasi. Tweeted another one from Delhi, "I can finally stop reorganizing furniture in my room before every Sachin innings."

The media, however, does not share the happiness. Every publication in the country was gearing up for the huge event with a Sachin Special issue (Every publication apart from The Hindu, that is, who would had templatized 'keen contest on the cards' for the Adelaide test). "Stark raving crazy this is. Not only do we seem like fools for having missed this alleged 100th 100, but what do I do with the 5 page Sachin Ton-dulkar special that I've been keeping for the last one year?!", bellowed an editor from the Times of India.

How the 100th 100 came about itself is a mystery. Some cynics (mostly Australian) assume that a hacker got in, but ESPNCricinfo's head of security assured us that no-one can break into the servers. The overall assumption is that Sachin just played an innings which Cricinfo forgot to update or some centuries in unofficial innings (such as the Diana Memorial Match at Lord's) suddenly was conferred official status.

"In any case, he can now stop worrying about the 100th 100 and do what he does best - scoring centuries", said Rameez Raja, underlying his ability to sound absurd and logical at the same time.

THE RELIGIOUS DIVIDE

2011-12-11T13:59:00.000+05:30

Throughout history, each paradigm of development has left us with a gulf between the haves and have-nots. Today, we see an India which downloads torrents and plays Angry Birds on their smartphones like there's no tomorrow, and another whose local bank branch runs manually. This is the digital divide.

Similarly, it's easy to extrapolate backwards and see how Messr. Gutenberg might have created a class of readers and another bunch who couldn't afford a papyrus. Go back a few more years, and there might have been one class of cavemen who didn't know jack about clubs while the rest, no doubt, met around their local bar, The Brown Mastadon, talking about the latest advancements in club technology and how the aerodynamics and contours of the new MammothBasher 9000 were so much better.

Anyhow...

Following a couple of surgeries after an accident in mid July, I've been shuttled off to Bahrain to spend time recuperating at the nice apartment my parents stay in. Usually, of course, that's not too bad a thing. Who doesn't like spending time with his parents, having some maa ka khana rather than the oi teri maa ki that Mumbai roadsides are likely to feed you? And that too in a luxurious quiet place with no mosquitoes, faltering ceilings and generally space to move around (my mom, staying in my Mumbai room said that she felt like a stranded passenger sleeping on a railway platform)?

Sadly, all this comes at a teeny price. My parents are religious. Oh, not the normal sort of 'religious'. You know when they say 'Jonty Rhodes religiously practices his fielding' and 'Neils Bohr religiously studied Physics'? THAT sort of 'religious' religious.

Of course, most of my childhood was spent in subservience - never a good thing if you're a kid who just wants to be left alone to his own amusements. Hence followed a series of things my parents thought I should be indoctrinated in - the best of which was a weekly prayer class which pretty much ruined the only morning on which most kids would get some sleep. Car radio stations were shunned for hours and hours of drones and monotonic renditions of bhajans filled my daily sojourn to and from school. Vacations were things I used to dread, because that invariably meant 'temple-seeing-trip-in-Kerala-accompanied-by-meeting-hordes-of-strange-people-who-bitch-about-each-other'. Birthdays, those things of presents and cakes and friends, unfortunately fell during vacation months and instead of Black Forest I got a vadyaar and a fire.

But heck, I made peace with all this. I loved my parents and was willing to take all this in my stride, because, hey, what did I know?

Then of course, I discovered the world. And rebellion began. When I say 'rebellion', I don't mean actively protesting against meaningless pujas with picket signs and telling my extended family what a waste of time and money all this was, but just a dip in the subservience (a term you will encounter a couple of paragraphs up). So while the annual pilgrimage was being mooted, I went from my its-my-fate silence to its-still-my-fate-but-heck 'Mehhh'.

Woohoo! I had rebelled!

Anyway, there is this large gulf between me and my parents, easily the most religious people I know - I call this the religious divide. They of the annual Sabarimala planners, I of the giver of a rodent's posterior. They of the early morning japam, I of the Google Reader.

It's fun sometimes imagining scenarios like the ones below, if the tables were turned a little.

---

Remember that extra commandment that George Carlin had? That wonly.

Ah well, what's life without a little disagreement, right?

A QUESTION OF FAITH

2011-11-27T12:10:00.001+05:30

When I seemed to be recovering properly from my accident, my mother assured me that it was because of the will of the man upstairs and various petitions issued on my behalf by well-wishers.

Now that the complication actually arose and the bone broke and I had to go in for surgery again, I tried to question the efficacy of the petitions.

As usual, I was rubbished with a fair amount of irrationale.

I might as well try to hold a discussion on the finer points of prog-metal with them.

Ah, religion. One thing that separates our generation from the previous one more than anything else.

PS: No offence meant to anyone, no outrage please, etc etc and all that.

MY TOP 20 METALLICA SONGS

2011-10-25T12:48:00.002+05:30

(This post was originall published on Sify here)

Ah, Metallica. So many things come to mind. Underground thrash pioneers with their first three albums (Kill ‘em All, Ride The Lightning, Master of Puppets). Then their iconic bassist Cliff Burton died tragically and a much darker, some would say bloated … And Justice For All surfaced with very average production. They distinctly took a commercial turn with The Black Album, and explored a softer, almost country side with Load and Reload. A hiatus and frontman James Hetfield’s rehab later came St. Anger – the most derided of the lot (one critic referred to drummer Lars Ulrich as a three-year old pounding steel pots with a spoon). And just when the world thought age had caught up and Metallica were just a memory, came the explosive Death Magnetic.

There probably hasn’t been a more debated band in history. Everyone’s top 10 is different. Their audiences hate each other – at one end there are the ‘pure’ metalheads who swear by the first three albums, who firmly look down upon fans of their lighter stuff, and pretend that albums 5 to 8 never happened. There are liberalists who say the radical departure in style in Load and Reload just add to their variety. Some say they’re lyrical geniuses, some say they’re just about the riffs. Fans of ‘more evolved’ bands say they’re just overrated and don’t deserve the attention.

Whichever side of the fence you stand on, you can’t argue that Metallica have been one of the most influential bands around. Even though their studio work might have deviated from their roots, they kept the flame of heavy metal burning through the commercial pop-infested era of the 90s and 2000s.

Also, since their albums are so different from each other – Metallica are probably the last band in this era of the downloaded MP3 – for whom the concept of individual albums makes sense. One classifies himself as being a Kill ‘Em All fan or a Reload fan.

After close to three decades, Metallica finally come to India. Fans have been dreaming about this moment for years. Everyone has something to look forward to. As a small tribute from a fan who won’t be able to go for either show (alas, an accident means that spending 7 hours with 50,000 headbangers is not the most therapeutic of activities), here are a collection of my top 20 Metallica songs.

20. St. Anger: Despite being their most hated album universally, St. Anger is probably Metallica’s thematically strongest album since AJFA. The hatred, depression and anger all pumps out through all the songs, none more so than the title track itself. And for a brief moment, as Hetfield pumps out that ‘So much in anger with you’ line repeatedly, while Ulrich bangs on those ‘tinpots’ – you get a sense of the message that the band tries to convey. It was possibly not the prettiest way to get the message across, but it definitely was effective. Explore the rest of the album if you have the patience, but this is the standout track.

19. That Was Just Your Life: There are some songs that deserve a place in a list for their sheer placement. Musically, they might not be great, but the sheer impact they create makes up for it. When Deep Purple’s classic Mark 2 lineup reunited for 1984’s Perfect Strangers, the opener, Knockin’ On Your Back Door sounded better than it actually was, because it was the celebration of the best permutation of the band getting back. Similarly, for close to 20 years, ‘early’ Metallica fans had lost all hope, seeing their once underground kings get softer, older and slower. But when that heartbeat kicks in the first few seconds, just like it did on Dark Side Of The Moon, you knew something was going to give. Kirk’s frantic soloing was back. Hetfield’s rhytm never sounded more aggressive. Begone, the era of commercialization! For good ol’ Metallica were back once again, and this track not just stamped it, but steamrolled it.

18. The Call Of Ktulu: The first of Metallica’s great instrumentals (I’m not counting Anasthesia –possibly the most overrated piece of basswork ever). It was also partly written by original guitarist Dave Mustaine (who of course, went on to form Megadeth). This track shows a quartet experimenting with progressive thrash and doing so very successfully.

17. All Nightmare Long: The impact that the first song on Death Magnetic (#19 in this list) has barely left you, before a sinister arpeggio comes in leading to what is possibly Hetfield’s fastest riffing in a decade. Ulrich’s snare comes in and complements it perfectly; not sounding like the jarring clang it was in St. Anger. Metallica successfully marry their thrash roots with the hummabilty their 90s songs acquired. It’s clear that this band is well and truly back.

16. The Unforgiven: I’m not going to hide the fact that I’m a huge fan of the Unforgiven trilogy, and I’d love to see them perform it back-to-back-to-back. This sounds like a perfect fit for a thrash metal band going commercial – the name sounds dark enough. An easy tempo, and stunningly, a heavy verse and light chorus. Metallica have been accused of many things, including selling out, but you can never blame them for lack of innovation.

15. Until It Sleeps: I like Load and Reload. If for no other reason, they showcase James Hetfield’s vocal range. So, in a way, his most un-metal albums were an important factor in establishing of one of metal’s best vocalists. On many other tracks, his ‘yeaaaaah!’ comes off as a little forced – like Fuel, but here, it seems very natural. Hammett, of whom I’ve never been too much of a fan – plays one of those rare, sweet knows-when-to-exit solos.

14. Mama Said: If someone had said in 1986 that Metallica was capable of writing a sentimental song that was capable of eliciting tears by means other than smoke choke, he’d have been written off as crazy. Stunningly, that’s what they manage to do here. A touching tribute to his mother, James pulls this off in true metal ballad style. Metallica weren’t getting softer, they were just exploring.

13. Fixxxer: One of their most underrated tracks, this is probably Metallica’s best attempt at sludge metal. The opening lines are “Dolls of voodoo all stuck with pins, One for each of us and our sins”. I’d like someone to say that Reload is still a soft album. The ending is pure metal bliss.

12. I Disappear: The oft-forgotten track, since it’s not on the ‘Metallica discography 320kbps all albums’ torrent, since it’s on the Mission Impossible 2 soundtrack. This is not their most intelligent song (I’m pain, I’m hope, I’m suffer?). But it would top the list of songs I’d want to yell at the top of my voice when zooming down a highway with a friend. Honestly, I’d love to see them do this live and see the crowd singing along.

11. The Unforgiven III: Yeah, yeah, this is my favourite off Death Magnetic. I can’t think of too many Metallica songs using a piano, this one does it quite nicely. It’s fantastic how all three Unforgiven tracks sound different, yet still revolve it around the same chord pattern. This is definitely the most complex of the three – lyrically and musically. The orchestral sounds add a different dimension altogether. And a Hammett solo that I really like, I think I caught a little Eastern scale at 5:49.

10. Enter Sandman: Or How-to-take-thrash-mainstream 101. Everything about this song has ‘success’ written all over it. Slick production and arrangement, a sinister riff, huge drum coming in, anthemic verses, and of all things, a child’s prayer! Not since Sweet Child O’ Mine a couple of years back, has mainstream rock been so gripped.

09. One: The song that won them many fans, but lost a few who were convinced their making a video was a sign of selling out. Pity, really, because this is one of their best progressive tracks. Anti-war theme, superb solo, and the most effective four-note-arrpegio in Metallica history. Even though Ulrich’s bass sounds heavily processed, this is a fantastic track. I love the shift in ‘mood’ at 1:31.

08. King Nothing: Their most underrated track. Their angriest track. King Nothing is the type of track that makes you want to just scream along. And I love it how Newsted just drives the whole song, and there’s that little almost Burtonesque atmosphere created during the chorus.

07. Nothing Else Matters: Sure, it’s the one that all the posers know. It’s the one that all guitar n00bs know to play because you just have to play those four strings without fretting. Once you’ve cut through the derision, what remains is a gorgeous love song. Superb intro, heartfelt lyrics, lovely arrangement (well done, Bob Rock!), and that solo by Hetfield. During concerts, even the most angsty will pull out their lighters for this one. Forget the haters, love this song for what it is.

06. Orion: It’s sad that Anasthesia is commonly regarded as Cliff Burton’s showcase. My personal opinion about that aside, this is what should be considered his masterpiece. Largely written by him, bass solos (check out 1:42 – that’s not a guitar, folks) and a lovely interlude. This is Metallica at the heights of their musicmanship. If Kirk had stuck to the type of soloing he does here instead of over-reliance on that annoying wah pedal, he’d be much higher held in esteem.

05. The Unforgiven II: The same intro as its predecessor, before kicking you in the gut to take you on a melodious minor-chord riff giving way to a lovely finger-picking riff. You can see both avatars - the 40-year old post-rehab Hetfield and the young 20-year old adrenalized punk in this track. Extremely high on hummability (which is why guys like me, who can play only 5 chords, can get away by playing this). Add to this, wordplay (“Are you unforgiven too?”) that J.W. Lennon would have been proud of.

04. The Four Horsemen: Their first great track – a signature thrash song, with progressive elements like slowed down tempos, a theme which could be interpreted as the four members of the band themselves. When you start off on that Metallica discography, you start with Hit The Lights, which is plain noise. You just want to get it over with to come on to the real track on the album. Headbangers’ paradise.

03. Master Of Puppets: I’d never heard a note of metal when my two friends dragged me off to a show where a cover band from Trivandrum, Rage (the drummer now plays for Avial) played three Metallica songs, one being MoP. I was floored. When ‘greatest metal songs’ and ‘most influential songs ever’ are discussed, MoP doesn’t enter the discussion much, in much the same vein that Don Bradman is never discussed while talking about greatest batsmen – it’s just a foregone conclusion. Metallica’s most orgasm-inducing moment is the melody interlude at half the devilish number, 3:33. I thought the lyrics made no sense till I realized they were about drugs. Woah!

02. Fade To Black: Where Metallica differentiated themselves from others riding the thrash wave, was their ability to write songs like this, and not shying away from it. Everything about this song is great – the intro (a friend once said if you don’t close your eyes during that moment, you’re not a true rock fan), the theme, the solo. And of course, for all those parents worried about devil’s music, Metallica’s received a lot of letters from kids who decided not to take the extreme step of suicide after hearing this. That should keep them on the right side of the Association for a while.

01. Welcome Home (Sanitarium): Musically similar to FTB (arrpegio intro with solo, gets steadily heavier, fantastic solo). Even if you don’t read much into lyrics, you can’t help but being taken away by what James sings here. Another song that Burton excels in, and the heavy reverb on the clean guitars adds such a murky, sinister atmosphere. My guess is, if they play this at Bangalore, there will be quite a few hoarse throats and sprained necks the next morning.

No Metallica list is ever complete without arguments, bashings and disagreements. So go right ahead!

A CLOSED LETTER TO RAHUL DRAVID

2011-09-16T15:40:00.001+05:30

Hello, Rahul.

You know, I'd love to start off by saying that I had many memories of you, proceed to analyse your cricketing technique and proclaim you as the greatest cricketer that India has ever produced and all that countless paeans you're no doubt receiving now - but I can't. I really can't.

You see, I missed much of India's glorious decade because I didn't have access to television for most part. So I really cannot stake claim to watching your brilliance in Adelaide, Rawalpindi, South Africa or the West Indies.

Big deal, you say. Everyone follows sport on the internet today. Why, even Tendulkar's double century was savoured over Cricinfo commentary by most of the nation. So was Sehwag's brutal assault on Sri Lanka at the Brabourne. Or most of the IPL, for that matter.

No, no. Saying that I've become a fan of you by following your exploits through Cricinfo's ball-by-ball commentary would be an insult to you. Mind you, it's alright if we do it for other cricketers, and there would be absolutely no disrespect meant. Michael Hussey's incredible 6-6-4-6 against Pakistan to win the T20 WC semifinal was thrilling as read through text. I devoured Kevin O'Brien's outstanding assault on England in the F50 (er) WC group stages through Twitter updates since I was in a train. I visualised the shots. I could picture Hussey smashing the crap out of Pakistan. Or Sehwag mutilating Murali. I didn't need visual aid for that, oh no.

But to say I've become a fan of Rahul Sharad Dravid by following text updates on some cricket website would be like going up to Wolfgang Mozart with a piece of parchment and a quill and saying, "Big fan, mate. I've heard all your symphonies in 96 kbps MP3". I remember earlier this year, I did catch an innings of yours. In South Africa. Noone else in the room could understand what I was doing, watching Test cricket (they were all the kool kyds who watch ManUtdRokzzz and F1, you see). With every defence shot, I'd ooh and aah. THIS was what I was missing out on. This was pure cricket.

And it was all so very unfair, Rahul. Which kid wants to do that? When I play the official IPL Android app, I want to smash every ball for 6. I'm not very well-acquainted with the gully cricket scene in Delhi, but I'm supposing not too many people want to 'construct' an innings in the 5 overs they're allowed before they have to run back home to finish the 10th chapter of Bhargava's 5th standard primer for IIT aspirants (Geometry).

One memory, Rahul - that I do have, was on a day on which I had what you might say, selective fever. When you and VVS ended Day 3, I knew something was up. I ensured I drank plenty of iced water that evening so I could give myself some semblance of a cold the next morning to skip school.

Yes, there were the glorious shots from VVS. It's my favourite Test innings of all time, but that's not what I remember. What I do remember is you getting to your century. You had that look on your face. Pointing to the press box, and I'm sure it was only your dignity that stopped you from giving the esteemed occupants a middle finger (or it could have been your gloves). I saw that look. Woah, I saw that look. That was the same look that I wanted to give my detractors. When my teacher back in Bahrain unfairly embarrassed me in a parent-teacher meeting in 1999, I swore I'd get back at him. I topped the fucking class and came third in the country (granted, it was a country that had the population of the entire of Chakala, but still). I so wanted to go back to him and say, "Take that!". That was the look you had, man. Whadafighter.

Criticism towards you has been as effective as a record label asking Dream Theater to adopt a more radio-friendly style.

I'm not a real fan, Rahul - I'm a mere piggybacker. It's fashionable to call yourself a Rahul Dravid fan. While 'junta' acquiesce to their baner instincts by luving the IPL, the educated, The Hindu-reading populace prefer to quote the numbers '180, 233, 270, 148' as if they were a holy chant. How many of them would actually sit through a RSD innings? I know I wouldn't. I'm just a piggybacker, like I said.

The purpose of writing this closed letter, Rahul, is to say - thank you for surviving despite people like me. ~~Indian cricket~~ The game of cricket has been richer for it.

==

MY TOP 20 YARDBIRDS SONGS

2011-09-12T13:48:00.001+05:30

The Yardbirds, as many biographies over the internet have said, are known to the casual rock fan for starting the careers of three of rock's most important British guitarists - Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck and Jimmy Page. Beck, in particular, experimented with fuzz, feedback and distortion more than anyone else. As was said in the first episode of The Seven Ages of Rock : "The Yardbirds showed how ... The electric guitar could be sexy." That, and vocalist Keith Relf's fantastic delivery. Too bad he electrocuted himself while playing guitar at his home at a young age.

But apart from this, the Yardbirds also were pivotal in bringing blues-based rock to the forefront, and were a major influence on a hell lot of bands, not just because of the guitaring pyrotechnics. Jimi Hendrix, then relatively unknown and playing in the underground black circuits in America, idolized both Beck and Clapton (the former - due to his work in the Yardbirds).

As a band, they started out with a lot of covers of blues standards, had a few songs that were songwritten by others, and surprisingly, had only one album with fully original material. They kept swinging between genres - and - unlike the Beatles, who did it with directional finesse - seemed confused most of the time. Clapton left after their early blues-covers-days since he didn't want to move away from the blues roots. Some of their albums - Roger the Engineer, in particular - are a weird mashup of psychedelia and blues-pop.

The Yardbirds of course, are arguably more important for disbanding in 1968 - which forced Jimmy Page, the only surviving member - to put together Led Zeppelin, and we don't need to go too much there now. The Yardbirds of course, reunited much, much later - in 1992 with surviving members Chris Dreja and Jim McCarty. In 2003, 35 years after their last album, the new-look Yardbirds released Birdland - a collection of new songs and old material. Scandalous as this might sound to purists, I consider this the best of their albums. It has the best sound of all, it sounds structured, the new songs are very well written and not just filler. There are a host of guest guitarists on the album - Slash, Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Brian May and a cameo from Jeff Beck himself.

The Yardbirds have some of the most hummable tunes from the 60s. Here's my list of top 20 songs you should check out. Ironically, for a band most associated with blues rock, it's their deviations from the genre I like the best. Videos, as always, are provided.

20. Farewell: A cute like piano-based song to start things off. Gotta love the backing vox here. At just 1:30, one of the shortest songs you'll ever hear.

19. The Train Kept A Rollin': The classic blues cover that everyone and their guitarist would cover. The Yardbirds made it popular, though, culminating in a spectacular performance featuring Metallica, Jeff Beck, Ronnie Wood, Joe Perry, Jimmy Page, and Jason Newsted & Flea on bass. And that train sound right at the beginning - that's Jeff Beck. Eddie van Halen, eat your heart out!

18. Shapes Of Things: The band considered this as one of their finest moments. It's apparently about the Vietnam War. The solo section, albeit short, looks quite progressive for its time.

17. Boom Boom: Nothing much to explain here, just a nice fun song. Featuring Clapton on lead.

16. Still I'm Sad: Probably the most experimentation this so-called blues-rock band has ever done. With their Gregorian chants that reek of 'In the Jungle, the Mighty Jungle'. As serious as this song is, I can't help but picture animated animals on screen.

15. Good morning little schoolgirl: Let's get back to some good ol' blues. One thing the Yardbirds had in their early songs was a lot of harmonica. And Keith Relf shows us. Also a neat little Clapton solo.

14. Goodnight Sweet Josephine: One of the two songs where the Yardbirds sound like they're right out of Pink Floyd's first album (the other being Little Soldier Boy - it's almost like Syd Barrett himself sang that song!). This one is so irresistibly upbeat and happy.

13. White Summer: Wait, didn't I hear that opening note on some Led Zeppelin acoustic song? Of course you did. This is a solo acoustic performance by Page, and it's easy to extrapolate this song to Black Mountain Side and Bron-Yr-Aur. In fact, he frequently played an electric-guitar combination of White Summer and the former at Zeppelin shows (like this). I'm not sure if Viram Jasani, who played tabla on BMS, plays it for this song as well.

12. A Certain Girl: Another one from the early days. I've never seen so many parentheses in a song's lyrics.

11. Evil Hearted You: Another one of those 'dark' songs. Composed by 10cc's Graham Gouldman, who also provided some of their other big hits (#1 and 3 on this list, to be exact)

10. My Blind Life: Like I said, I think Birdland is a fantastic album, and I have three songs from it in my top 10. The sound, while still rooted in Yardbirdism, is quite different. New vocalist John Idan does an admirable job taking off from where Relf left off. Jeff Beck plays guest guitar on the studio version of this track.

09. Paff Bumm: An absolutely silly song ("Paff Bumm - that's the sound of love" - hyuk!). But the rhythm is so upbeat and sticky-in-head that you can't help but smile and sing along.

08. Mister You're A Better Man Than I: This song was written by Mike Hugg (Manfred Mann's drummer), and is given quite a searing performance by Keith Relf, and has one of the best verse-to-chorus changes in their catalog.

07. Over, Under, Sideways, Down: Ah, the song that everyone knows. That riff is either revolutionary or annoying, depending on your point of view. In the Birdland version, Slash plays guitar on this song, which is about the decadence of the 60s and generally having a good time.

06. Crying Out For Love: One from Birdland, again. A much more mature, well-produced song, you'll notice. Gypie Mayo, the guitarist, comes up with two very, very neat solos here.

Ooh, top 5 now.

05. Dream Within a Dream: Musically, the best of the new material off Birdland. With a superb riff, lovely vox, and a solo that beck would have been proud of, this song is ultimate proof that bands CAN bring out new material 35 years after disbanding. The riff will be stuck in your head faster than you can say Inception.

04. Smokestack Lightning: First song, first ever live performance. "Let's have a big hand for The Yardbirds, please... And Smokestack Lightning". There are many versions, but I like this version (The Early Recordings, Londong '63) the best. At 6:51, it's immensely satisfying, showcases Clapton's early guitar and Relf's harmonica prowesses. This is of course, a cover of the classic song by Howlin' Wolf.

03. For Your Love: Described by AllMusic as quasi-progressive (well, that tempo change at 01:30 is quite interesting). Written by Gouldman and modified by then bassist Paul Samwell-Smith, the song features a dominating harspichord and quite 'pleading' vocals by Relf that just seem to work. Great track. Oh, and here's Led Zeppelin ruining (or improving, depending again on your point of view) the song.

02. Happenings Ten Years Ago: Described as the first psychedelic song. Also, the only song on which Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck play together. Strangely weird. The video linked - well, I don't know what to make of it. It features Jeff Beck flipping out over a malfunctioning amp and destroying his guitar. But it's clearly not this song they're playing (either that or Relf had laryngitis and didn't know it).

01. Heart Full Of Soul: What a song! Incredibly addictive. Lots of versions available on YouTube. But the best version I have heard of this song is not by them, but Rush, who had this stunning version on their EP, Feedback. And it's a sheer joy to watch this live version of theirs, with the crowd singing along. This was also composed by Gouldman, and there was initially a Sitar version (which was rightfully rejected by Beck because it didn't sound too right). Apparently, this song is supposed to be Eastern sounding (er, really?) and is said to have influenced a Messr. Harrison into using a Sitar on a song we all know and love.

There we go. They definitely left their mark, the 'birds, and I think are extremely underrated. I mean, they were a band that had Beck, Clapton and Page! Admittedly, they weren't at the heights of their powers during their Yardbirds stints, but it's obvious their days in the band were vital to help them polish their technique. Like Arbit on Twitter said: (They) made very little music, but part of a great rock genealogy.

=

THAT ONE WAS DOOMED TO FAIL

2011-08-30T17:31:00.000+05:30

As a result of the ruddy accident, quite a few things have changed in the household (a house, incidentally, which I haven't held since the accident, as I'm recuperating in a non-non-vegetarian premises at the nonce).

Firstly, of course, there was the minor matter of drilling a few screws into my femur to generally keep my thigh from detaching itself from the parent body. The please-do-not-try-this-at-home nature of the aforementioned activity caused a slight dent to the pater's bank balance, which was, till crash, funding the renovation of a home in the quaint and intolerably boring Kochi suburb of Tripunithura. Those who have to line up outside the single bathroom will now have my femur to curse.

Secondly, two prized gadgets have been lost. My portable media player, the Cowon S9, was purloined on the spot, while my HTC Desire Z in all it's QWERTY-flipout glory suffered from a rude shock from which it never really recovered, hence facilitating the need to procure a new one.

Of course, the fact that I'd been intelligent enough to carry the phone on a trek - a very rainy trek, I might add - would have had something to do with the overall atrophy of the circuits. But blaming it on the crash is more satisfying.

But you know what they say about gadgets. Sometimes it's doomed. You get this looming feeling that no matter how much you love it, no matter how much you ~~had to take advance from your credit card to pay for it because you misjudged when your company bonus is going to arrive~~ paid for it, no matter how proud you were of it - you somehow feel that your phone is like Harry Potter just after the pensieve scene in HP7. Doomed to be snuffed. You dread the end, the finish.

Just one week after purchasing the thing, I went from this 40% to this 19%. That's right. 'Splush' is not a sound you want to hear when you have a brand new 25,000-rupee phone in the toilet. Anyhow, displaying a head of unusual coolness that would have done Hrishikesh Kanitkar proud, I tried every online solution - including dunking the phone in silica gel and then, rice. Later, I just took it to a shady repair shop which nonchalantly fixed it in half an hour for 350 bucks.

And since I effected its purchase on credit card, I paid for my phone's first repair before I paid for the phone itself. Surely, that's a sign of imminent doom.

Not to mention, it had a permanent 'water stain' on the screen (how cool, said the Harry Potter fan in me). And also, thanks to its aqueous sojourn, the warranty was as rendered as null and void as a CAT form with incomplete information filled in.

Every week, without fail, it displayed extreme lemming-like tendencies by succumbing to gravity twice. I counted. I should have known the end was near.

The end came with a touch screen that started behaving erratically (the first one to make a 'dementia' joke gets it on the hooter), and a phone repair person took care of the rest. I'd like to think of it as gadget euthanasia.

Anyhow, a Samsung Galaxy I9000 has been ordered, and should be here shortly. I'll know whether this one is for life or as doomed to fail as it's predecessor, depending on how badly I get my arse whooped on Wordfeud.

Random link of the day: Angry Anna! :D

DEAR BUGGERS WITH A CAMERA

2011-08-24T20:42:00.001+05:30

It's exhilarating when you get a camera, isn't it?

"Now I can join the likes of by posting kickarsefull photos on Facebook and getting Likes by hot lady friend of friend of friend who came with me for the trip." and "Now I can haz low light low ISO low f-stop pwnage too!" are thoughts not alien to those who have just spent some of their hard-earned kachingas on a new image-capturer-and-recorder.

Little did the gentleman in the 1980s (who had a look at his skyrocketing film development costs and while pondering over them, fell over a set of floppy disks only to have a total Eureka! moment) forsee the internet explosion, which allows anyone (and their uncle, and their uncle thereon) to upload personal digital photos. The easy accessibility of a camera and online storage proved to be a potent combination.

A topic that she has already briefly touched upon.

You see, SLRs were supposed to be for the creme-de-la-filme - only the best of photographers should have them. But digital photography changed all that. Now every bugger (like me) who has a spare 30,000 bucks can buy one. And, usually when too much technology is brought into the hands of an audience which might be financially equipped but not skilfully so - it leads to a certain amount of disparity. Imagine if the Indian cricket team started deciding teams by a first-come-first-serve method (might not be a bad idea right now, come to think of it, actually).

Anyhow, it is because of this that it's typically with a sense of dread that one opens a link that a friend has sent you, of his/her vacation. You feel guilty that you didn't read said friend's last blogpost when you were coerced to gently using Google Talk before you managed to hit the 'appear invisible' option, so you decide to press play on the ~~pornographic~~ TED talk video that you were engrossed in, and click the Picasa link.

Horrors.

The first five lines (line segments, technically) consist entirely of leaves. And trees. And a cluster of trees. Here is the enthusiastic globetrotter in his now-I-am-going-to-take-the-kickarseest-set-of-photos-ever phase, and proceeds to click everything in sight. Most people fall into fatigue after half an hour, but not your friends.

Then there are various poses of himself. In particular, a set of him in various poses of posing for the same pose, if you know what I mean.

Every touristy thing (monument, famous tree, building, painted Harley, ex-cricketer) is shot from all possible angles, and, much in the hope that Google will come out with a 3D modeling extension for Picasa one day, leave them all on the album.

And holy rebeccablackamoley, this is just page 1 of 3. Groan.

So, enthusiastic photo uploader, here are a few pleas, on behalf of the entire online community:

1. Noone has time to sift through 300 photos of a place he or she doesn't give a rat's ass about. If someone is really interested in what monuments in Jaipur look like, chances are, a search will be conducted. Cut ze crap. Be ultra-critical of your photos and put in only absolute winners in your mind. I know my own work is a poor barometer, but when I go for a concert, I usually take around 600 photos, and only around 20 make it to Facebook.

2. An entire vacation (or concert) on one Picasa page would be nice. Even the staunchest of friends are unlikely to click on every photo. They'll sift through the lot, click about ten that really catch their fancy, drop in a few comments and proceed on with the TED talk video. We don't live in an age where people are going to comment on the bokeh and depth-of-field of each pic. Do not unleash unto thy audience what you wouldn't like unleashed unto thyself.

3. Label. Please, please, please. Imagine you've taken an incredibulobulous snap of that ancient statue of a Mughal emperor in Nashik but haven't bothered to label it. As the Local Tea Party is wont to say, what you think your friends are so jobless so they will do Google image mapping for each and every photo of yours?? Labeling is a good habit, and will help you cut down on needless photofat as well (Check out Mahesh's photos of his recent England trip - captions bring to life the personal experience).

4. Get out of automatic mode, yo!

You have a powerful weapon in your hands. Using it moderately and carefully are likely to give you the best results.

I'm talking about your camera, of course. Hyuk.

MY TRYST WITH HINDI

2011-08-17T20:20:00.001+05:30

Much is made of my weakness of the national language by my friends circle. Indeed, (and excuse the attempted Wodehousean) the cry goes around the city, "Chuck cannot speak well the language of Bollywood" and "His otherwise spotless CV misses a vital language".

Alright, so my Hindi is bad. In the words of George Carlin - I don't give a shit.

(Now, my South Indian friends, is the point that we all rally together)

Remember that joke about how Karunanidhi reacted when someone said Hindi is the national language because it was spoken by maximum people in the country? He said that by that logic, the crow should be made the national bird.

(All South Indian friends, rapturous applause and pro-DMK slogans now)

Also, all my North Indian friends ask me "But yaaaaaar how can u b Indian and not hv seen Sholay yet yaaar!". I ask them back whether they have seen Kalyanaraman for a similar test of patriotism and they shrug with a facial expression reeking of the Carter Roadesque "What-everrrrrrrrr!". In the words of the wise Local Tea Party - why this discrimination, please? (That 'rrrrr' by the way, is the closest non-Southies will ever get to getting the 'zh' sound - you know, Kozhikode - right).

Ok, no more potential communal stuff (I don't want CoD to be the cause of a pogrom (I also wrote this line just so I could use the word 'pogrom' (You gotta admit, this multiple bracket shit is cool))).

Anyhow. I was a little boy, minding my own business, doing stuff that Mallu boys in the Gulf do like reading comics and topping classes, and suddenly, without warning, along came Hindi. CBSE Hindi.

(All South Indian friends, shudder and shiver at this point as if PC Thomas has decided to be your permanent roommate)

Oh, it was quite innocuous at first, the blighter. A mild annoyance in the otherwise uncomplicated world of addition and tenses. And before you knew it, just before you fully got to savour the joy of owning your first Hero fountain pen in 5th standard, you realise that the bloody subject is actually quite a headache.

(All riot-friendly friends - please note - Hindi the subject and not Hindi the language. Yeah, you still haven't seen Kalyanaraman, so pipe down)

As the years pass by and you realise that various parts of your body can do fun stuff, Hindi becomes a nightmare. A downright fucking nightmare.

Let me tell you my story.

When I was in 6th, 7th and 8th standards - I used to spend 4 hours a day studying Hindi. The use of the term 'study' here is an insult to what scientists and researchers the world over have been doing, though - I was mugging up the bloody thing. I spade up, by rote, chapters and chapters. Never was Hindi 'taught'. How to say stuff. How to have a conversation. How to fucking understand a movie. It was question-answer all through. When I look back, I think it a total miracle that I managed to survive those years of torture - by-hearting line after line without understanding a single fucking thing.

Everything about the stupid subject was bad. It had more periods than any other subject (yes, yes, I know you're begging to make that joke - say it to yourself). It had the most vicious of teachers. It had more textbooks than ANY other subject (pray, why couldn't we've had Michael Crichton as extra reading in English?). Spending 4 hours a day on it, but still the lowest marks. It brought down my entire average.

I was not a genocidal sort, but I do remember the frustration of a simple kid taken out in many ways.

For one - My Hindi books would always be put in my school bag in a polythene. It was untouchable. It was not allowed to sully the sacred Mathematics and Science books. On occasion where a polythene was not available, the Hindi book would form the 'base' of the bag and the rest of the books would 'stand' on top of it.

After each year, Mom used to give away my textbooks to someone. I never allowed her to give away the Hindi books, because I'd be tearing them up into little itty-bitty pieces. Once me and a few friends were even contemplating a mass-burning (of the books, not of selves).

I also remember seeing a public service ad on hand sanitation. So everytime I finished using my Hindi books, I used to wipe my hands. An inferior quality pen was even used to write on the notebooks, because high-quality Uniball and Pilots couldn't bothered to be wasted.

(Calms down)

As you can imagine - I hated the goddamn subject from the bottom of my heart.

(Fellow South Indians - similar stories, please share in comments)

You know how after 25 years in prison, the sight of the open world comes as a whole new paradise to you? That was how I felt when I passed into the 9th standard, and dumped Hindi for good (I passed my last exam by the skin of my teeth).

Me and my friends celebrated the day of our last ever Hindi exam as 'Independence Day'. I am not making this up. We all had one extra packet of Corn Chips to treat ourselves.

I took French. My average shot up again, and I was in the top 5 in class again. It felt so very 5th standard. I wasn't exceptionally bright, but the lack of that fuck-all subject probably just spurred me on.

Boy, how I hated it.

Okay, there is no point to this post. No language-education-in-CBSE-should-be-reformed. No as-revenge-all-Punjabis-must-be-made-to-learn-Classical-Tamil. No but-now-I-have-changed-having-learnt-practical-Hindi-by-trying-to-talk-with-auto-drivers-and-food-delivery-places-in-Mumbai-and-see-the-shortsightedness-of-my-youth. Nah, none of that.

And to prove so, I will end this post with something totally random.

It's.

THE ACCIDENT AND THE AFTERMATH

2011-08-03T17:57:00.000+05:30

There has been a lack of blogging over the last month. Apologies (or you're welcome, depending on which side of the fence you stand on) for the same.

Many of you might know what happened. Myself, Punvati, Apurv, Rajat, Mahesh and Harshal had just scaled Maharashtra's tallest peak, Kalsubai, and met with an accident later in the day. I wanted to initially write a dark, morose post about the same, but came to my senses soon enough. For those of you who don't know what happened, here's a rough outline:

1. Apurv (driver), Punvati (passenger), self (backseat) in former's i10, somewhere near Kalyan, along the highway.

2. One of the rear tires decided it had enough of life and decided to explode, in all it's vulcanized glory.

3. Tire burst (Ref: Point 2) caused the car (Ref : Point 1) to lose control. Not the best thing to happen when your vehicle is travelling at close to 70 kmph, and we rammed into a stationary truck.

4. Much chaos, blood, screaming and pain ensued, but thankfully I managed to keep my senses (I surprise myself at times) and managed to call the other car, while managing some rather helpful locals get us out of the wreck.

5. We were sent off to the nearest hospital, which happened to be in Bhiwandi. It wasn't the best place to go to, but the idea was to get to A hospital, which would atleast check us up.

6. Punvati got shifted to Kokilaben Dirubhai Ambani Hospital, Versova; Apurv got stitched up and went to Pune; and myself - I went to Fortis in Mulund where one of the best ortho docs in India put screws in my leg and patched me up, before discharging me to my uncle's place in Chembur. The Mid-Day report is here.

Needless to say, Point 3 was the scariest 3 seconds of my life. It was scary as fuck. The relief that I had when I realised both fellow passengers were alive, if not totally in their senses, was as huge as the relief when Hrishikesh Kanitkar hit that four (okay, I have a few skewed priorities).

Needless to say, thank you all for writing in, messaging, tweeting and calling wishing us a quick recovery.

Anyway - let us move away from all this morbidity, which has no place on this blog (except in the comments section, sadly).

Since then, things have been spiffy. I do nothing but read all day and watch a few movies at times. I used to be addicted to Wordfeud on Android, but that was taken care of when my touchscreen conked and went for repair. I've been on a Harry Potter kick, and now on a Wodehouse one.

Also, my parents are down here. This provides certain, er, troubles. Me, a hosteler-cum-renter for the last 9 years, am suddenly faced with immobility. I love my parents, but I prefer not to remain in the room when the conversation veers towards changing my musical tastes from Iron Maiden to the Hanuman Chalisa. Also, I am looking at the prospect of being vegetarian till around October, a task which, as Bertie Wooster is wont to say, would try the soul. If any of you can smuggle in a McSpicy for me, I will genuflect in gratitude eventually, when I am eventually able to perform that act.

Also, the trouble with being a non-compliant Tambrahm is, er, well, just that. I think Appa was more horrified by the lack of a poonal on my torso than the fact that my femur was broken and out of its socket. The immobility has, like I pointed out, some positive side effects, one of them being the fact that my participation in this year's avani avittom has been reduced to sitting in bed and reciting the gayatri japam 1008 times before changing the thread.

Also, sadly, the folks still refuse to believe goods can be costlier than they were in 1981, so the prices of some of the things I own, especially audio products, have been severely devalued before declaration. Appa reeled when I told him my Pumas cost me 2500, and they were pretty much the cheapest things in the store. This, and I hope to own the Sennheiser HD800s someday. Sigh...

Yes, that's pretty much it. I've also made mental notes for what a typical Tambrahm visit consists of. Previously, of course, I'd scurry off from the room after compliments about my recent academic achievements were made, and the dangerous topic of my Carnatic vocal classes were being touched on. Now, though, I have no means of jettisoning myself from such a situation, save pop the Kindle on and read while pretending not to listen to why Murali Mama is a bad person. But more on that later.

Have a good August, you lot!

THANKS, ARCHIE

2011-06-23T12:50:00.000+05:30

Everyone has that life-changing moment, which, no matter how insignificant, will define their personality and outlook for the next few years, perhaps even their entire lives. Thousands of kids picked up a guitar seeing Slash rip out that solo on Sweet Child O' Mine, tens of thousands of shirtless kids fashioned bats out of everything from wood to plastic bottles after watching Sachin Tendulkar make mincemeat out of Michael Kasprowicz, and perhaps hundreds had turned to diligence after watching their successful dad work on Excel and come home with a promotion (not as sexy, but the great Indian middle class reality sinks in at some point).

This moment usually happens during one's impressionable youth. You're still malleable and can be a grouch one day, a cool funny dude the next day, a serious I-want-to-be-class-topper the next day, and so on. We've all done it - the multiple personality disorder afforded by an age of singular digits is among the most pivotal forms of self-exploration.

It was in my confused youth, that I came across a comics magazine from a friend. I had always been a fan of animation - cartoons, drawings and stuff, but this was a first for me, an entire book with just comics. And in colour too. Woah. He lent me the book when I was home, sick. This happened around the 4th standard, I reckon. That was my first Archie.

What followed changed my life a little. Not only did my drawing style itself get altered (and if you look at some of the sorry garbage I put out on some of the sites, you'll see a bit of resemblance to the Archie cartoonists' style of drawing), but my outlook on life.

Just like how we wannabes on Twitter use #youprefer, #yog and machaan to appear cool and with the 'in' bunch, in those days, Archie provided us the alternate vocabulary to be elevated to the strata of cool. While my other childhood obsession, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ingrained 'dude' into my lexicon for life, the escapades of the perpetual 17-year-old teens from Riverdale contributed to my repertoire of slang ("Wassup, man?"), repartees ("Yeah, right!") and sounds ("Wham!").

It's not just the unique lexicon that stands as parallels between Twitter and Archie, of course. Both had a bunch of early adopters which would automatically be deemed cool by those who didn't get it. Both had inside jokes and a language of their own (I've used #youprefer in real life way too many times for comfort) and both gave you a high when not understood by friends or family not in the know. You'd be cool or a freak, and most of the times, in that order.

For instance:
"Oh, nee andha comics vaikaraya? BANG! BANG! HEEYA! WANNNH!", being exaggerated statements from uncles.

The cultness of Archie built up, also because it was fairly expensive. Back in the days, in Bahrain, a Double Digest would cost the equivalent of 250 rupees, which was a fair deal for a middle-class family. Finally, like many others of my generation, an Archie comic became the prize for excellence in examinations. Trips to India were awaited with bated breath not for the perpetual rain or the annoying poojas, but for trips to Paico Book Stores, where I would stock up on Blytons, Tinkles and - of course - Archies, a collection of 10 which would be finished at a sitting. They would be re-read, of course. Despite knowing what exactly the plot was going to be, the re-reading of an Archie gave us a sense of satisfaction, like the existing memory we had of the story had been reinforced (the same reason why we feel incredibly satisfied when we hear a good cover version of a song we love). And the re-read would be savoured. It was like taking the best points of sipping fine whisky and bovine rumination. Only it was with comics.

Archie, Jughead, Reggie and Dilton taught us how to react in certain situations. When we could afford to be funny. When it was best to just shut your mouth. When it was good to polite to someone. What to do to be popular. I have attempted exercise routines at various points in life, the first was when I was around 14 - I had an Archie story where he and Reggie were doing exercises in the gym (only to be usurped by Jug at the end of it all, of course). I diligently woke up for about 2 weeks and did all those exercises.

I also learnt about things that neither a boring childhood in Bahrain or the wise people at NCERT could have taught me - shopping malls, fashion, girlfriends, credit cards, holidays, music - and a little bit of life itself. The concepts of cellphones and the internet were first introduced to me through these comics. Who couldn't claim, at some point of time, to have been influenced by the antics of this mad bunch? Who couldn't claim to have wanted a tee-shirt with an alphabet on it, whatever it meant?

Today, the person who I am (or try to be) owes a large part to Archibald Fred Andrews and his friends. The cynicism of Reggie, the irreverence of Jughead, the aptitude of Dilton, the cartooning skills of Chuck (yes, I know), perhaps somewhere we even wanted to have the body of Moose. And walk around starting every sentence with 'D-uh!'

I haven't read too many Archies in the recent past, but whenever I do try to read them, I somehow see a sense of them trying a little too hard to adapt to modern audiences. The fact that they've managed to keep their comics clean is a fantastic effort, in this day and age.

It's fantastic to see Archie still lives and thrives. Many times I've downloaded entire torrents, more out of tribute than knowing that I'll end up reading them. But like the cool people today say, "What is there?".

VENKATESH PRASAD DENIES ROLE IN BABA RAMDEV'S MEDIUM FAST

2011-06-09T11:49:00.000+05:30

Baba Ramdev's recent decision to fast for a limited amount of time everyday has caused a considerable amount of reaction across the country. Depending on one's affiliation, the move was 'idiotic', 'convenient', 'comical', 'efficient manhour management of available resources inorder to achieve objectives with maximum efficiency and paradigm changing' or just plain funny.

One unfortunate victim of the whole thing (apart from the Government of India itself) has been former Indian pace-bowler B. Venkatesh K. Prasad. It all started quite innocuously as, when various South Indian jokers on Twitter went overboard as usual, called the Baba's move a 'semi-fast', a 'moral fast' and, in natural progression, a 'medium-fast'. With the top-of-mind recall that Prasad has in this area, he was automatically linked to the, er, medium fast by the Twitterati.

"Hahaha. It fits so well, doesn't it? Baba Ramdev didn't even complete a fast. Hence it was a medium fast. And who has better expertise in that than Venkatesh Prasad?", quipped a Twitter user called Mahesh before hiding himself in the corner. "A fast is supposed to intimidate and cause bellies to quiver when it starts. However, if executed with half-heartedness, then it just becomes comical and not too many people take you seriously. Just like what happened with both of these parties here, no?", opined a character who simply called himself S.

This punning didn't stop with the general Twitterati. A famed butter brand, known for spoofing everything around us, created an ad which showed Prasad and the Baba talking through an old-school string-and-cup phone setup, and they called it 'Medium of communication'. In a rare attempt at humour, the mathematics division at Brilliant Tutorials in Chennai released a comic where Baba Ramdev said "I am mean!", Venkatesh Prasad said, "I am median!".

The comparision has obviously left a lot of Prasad fans infuriated. "This whole thing is not ok.", tweeted out a gent called T. Ray, bringing the famous Bengali passion to the fore. "Have people forgotten about how Aamir Sohail's offstump got uprooted? Or the time when he decimated Pakistan in the World Cup and at Chennai?", outraged a Prasad fan from Bangalore.

Baba Ramdev himself is quite nonplussed by all the jokes floating around. "Don't tell anyone - but all this is a sly social media campaign for myself - see how many times I've been able to get myself to trend over the last month. Haha, top-of-mind Baba recall! Now in a couple of months, noone will remember all this, but the name will stick, and my businesses will flourish! Huzzah!", said the man. If our sources are to be believed, the marketing department at IIM Ahmedabad are keen on getting him to lecture their students.

The bowler himself is not amused by the humour floating around at his expense. Last heard, he is attempting to file a case against the Twitter users who started this trend. He is in the process of identification of a middleman for this purpose.

WHAT WE'LL MISS OUT ON

2011-05-20T20:20:00.002+05:30

(Warning: High Twitter-based stuff in post ahead)

Pity, really, that the world is going kafut. By this time tomorrow, we'll all be little carbon-based powder. If we're lucky. Times like these - and by times, I mean periods of imminent extended separation (last day of college, cosmic separation, parting of strangers in a bar after spilling out life secrets) - cause us to reflect. Like never having told that cute girl you had a crush on her. Or wondering whether, like the guy in the Naukri ad, you can hydrate your boss' garments. It also provides a moment of sadness and eternal mystery. Did she really want to discuss the advantages of using Lithium Aluminium Hydride as a insulator in high-temperature abrasive industry, or did she just want to have sex? Is Stonehenge real? What does the S on Jughead's tee-shirt stand for?

Like all cool folks these days, and by cool folks I mean people on Twitter, we too will feel all of these emotions. Here are the biggest Twagedies of them all.

1. We'll never know the real identities of @cgawker, @jhunjhunwala, @eyepeeyell and @raytida.

2. We'll never get to read Dork 2, 3 and 5. Book 4, I hear from a credible source, is terrible and will be condemned to hell, so I can catch it there.

3. We'll never get to actually see @nayakgirin getting married. Or for that matter, celebrate his real birthday.

4. We'll never get to hear @nayakgirin talk in real life. The only people who have heard @nayakgirin talk so far are : The professor who took his viva in engineering, Vodafone customer care executive Rajeshwar and @cornerd, aided by bionic hearing, who claims to have heard him squeak 'Otha!' while watching the World Cup final when Tweetdeck crashed.

5. @siddev18 will never get a hug in real life from @gulpanag. On a related note, the world will also end with @anantha giving a middle finger to the former, saying "Bwahaha, I beat you!"

6. Wildlife photographer S.U. Saravanakumar will never make an appearance on Bosey again. This is a true S.U.S. situation.

7. We'll never get to see @SahilRiz spoof Tusshar Kapur's planned magnum opus of 2014, Balma - Ek zati khujli ki kahani

8. We'll never know what 'livetimefe' means. My guess is something to do with iron.

9. We'll miss out on @diogeneb epically cracking a way to anagram "AAAAA". And still make it funny.

10. We'll miss out when @notytony finally manages to make a pun on 'Gradwolf' which hasn't already been done before.

11. We'll miss out on Twitter breathing a collective sigh of relief when @chuck_gopal finally gets a Sennheiser HD800 and shuts the fuck up.

12. Poor @dharmeshG will miss out on his dream of going to Los Angeles and... Oh wait.

13. @mokkai_mak won't be around to see the fruition of #DateforMAK (Machan - it was long-term strategy... Don't go by initial bomb)

14. We won't be around to see @Ashvala do a clean sweep of the Nobel Prize, Man Booker Prize, All Academy Awards (from best director to best maintained set), all of Guitar Magazine's awards, ICC's cricket awards (he won everything including lifetime achievement award and best newcomer award in the same year - he overtook Bradman's career aggregate in just two games. Yes.)

15. @udupendra would not have found a Gothic classic punk-poprock metal electronica emo band from Papua New Guinea.

16. I hear from credible sources that the term 'onejubb' was going to be included in the Oxford English dictionary from next year. Alas... Otha just missed.

17. We'll never know @pranavbackliwal's real age (Look at his actual pic. Mild 12-year-old-making-debut-for-Pakistan feel)

And, the biggest tragedy of them all,

18. We won't be around to see #Dhruv, #YoungerSon, #Olssen, #Boo and #SidNanda (and #Self for that matter) have Twitter accounts.

Happy apocalypse, everyone!

PS: Thank yous to Photoshop expert extrordinaire and Beeyand-ruh West gurrl @sayaneeh for coming up with the name of the shady movie in Point 7.

THE BEAUTY OF RAWNESS

2011-04-28T16:09:00.000+05:30

It's a debate I'd been trying to argue with myself about. Raw or refined? Which of these do we prefer? Which is to say - which do we say we prefer, and which do we actually prefer?

Come on, it's not like you haven't been victim to it.

Sure, you like Test cricket. Who ~~wants to appear cool on Twitter~~ in their right mind doesn't? Talking about Rahul Dravid's 148 is the 'in'-thing in this age of slam-bam-thank-you-DLF cricket, it's all the rage to talk about Laxmanian beauty and Waughesque elegance. Equal contest between bat and ball is where it's all at. No?

Why, then, are you willing that unknown batsman to score a six off every delivery? Why do you want Manbeast to race to a century off 25 deliveries? Are you telling me that when you see the score in an ODI being 100/0 off 8 overs, you do NOT have visions and heck, even dreams, of the batting team scoring 500? And when the opener gets out for 86 off 32 deliveries, you feel a sense of Awwwwfuck!-edness, even though externally you'll proclaim that you're happy normalcy has been restored?

Like George Carlin said, "Get outta here". You love sin as much as anyone. You may say you're on a diet, eating sprouts and drinking grapefruit juice, and saying to the world you're happy about it. Balls. You fantasize about Snickers and fried chicken (not KFC, that's just crap) all the time.

Rawness. It's there in all of us.

It was something I thought I lost after coming to Mumbai, attending gigs in hep places like Blue Frog. Here, you had to portray the image of being knowledgeable. You felt almost shameful sneaking in before 9 PM and not ordering anything, standing around reading articles on your phone, while bills of five digits were being racked up around you, and you knew for a fact that the waiters were sneering at you behind your backs. Band comes on. Polite headbobbing. A few \m/ signs if things were really kickass. Mild jumping. But heck, the place is nice and air-conditioned. It didn't feel like you'd just been through a draining concert. Also, you score style points if you have a huge camera. The bigger the better. Camera that is.

And then, something like B69 happens. To be precise, a Zero gig happens at B69. On a Saturday.
If you were expecting comfort, I'm sorry.

After goodness knows how long, I could feel sweat even though I wasn't really moving too much. Suddenly, having a Nikon D5000 meant nothing. Because you could hardly see the band anyway (flat surface) and hence, you couldn't show off your gear either. Not that anyone really gave a damn. Because they were jumping around and screaming.

It'd been 4 years since I'd done something like that. Ever since I was just too protective of expensive phones, cameras and various other paraphernalia on my person to actually enjoy myself.

Zero came on. The usual set of tracks followed. I could spot the usual bunch of madmen, who were all gearing up. Something had to give. It was itching, really. The lead up to PSP 12", their most famous track, was agonizing. Like you could feel Sachin just winding up to thrash Kasprowicz out of the park.

Bassline kicks in.
I knew it was time. I'd probably never get this chance again.

Warren plays the arrpegio.
I threw my gear to the side where friends would take care of it, kept the glasses safely in my pocket.

"If I had the time to stay here all night".
I navigated my way through the barricade. Got right in, as it were. High-fived a couple of people who I knew were usual participants in such events.

"If I had my way... Then I wouldn't hear you say..."
I was holding onto people who I didn't know. They didn't care. We were all one.

"Ah, ah, ah, aaah!"
This is it. This is it. Get ready.

"Standingbystandingbystandingby...."
FUCK! This is madness! Jumping up and down like I've never done! Screaming the two words that make up the entire chorus. Ramming into people. Throwing an absolute stranger into someone else because he asked me to.

2.5 minutes later, it was over. I was hoarse. I was sweating. Hands on the shoulders of fellow Zeroheads. No idea who they were. Didn't matter.

Took me a while to recover, it did.

That was raw. It was beautiful. There's something about gigs like this.

ROCKBAND INTERVIEWS

2011-04-18T15:27:00.001+05:30

So I wrote a small post outlining my favourite Deep Purple songs yesterday. I didn't expect too many people to read it, as it was more of a personal compilation. Perhaps some peeps who were interested in rock music, yeah, maybe.

However, what I got was something else totally. 79 comments on Facebook - most to do nothing with the post itlsef, but outlining various 'interview' situations for rock musicians around the world. What started it of course, was my good friend and PaGaLGuY's ed-in-chief Apurv - who said what a Deep Purple guitarist application interview would be like. This seemed like a good enough meme for some short-term hilarity, and myself, Milcom and Failgunner happily contributed. Some more contributions by MSNarain and a few others later, we saw a goldmine. I didn't know whether the meme had enough potential to warrant a Tumblr like this one, so I'm testing it out on the blog first, and let's see where it goes from there.

Without further ado - Rockband Interviews.

Deep Purple:

DP Member: Do you know the blues scale?
Prospective: Yes.
DPM: Do you have a distortion pedal?
P: Yes.
DPM: Have you any ambition left in life?
P: No.
DPM: Great. So when does your ex-band notice period end?

==

Iron Maiden:

IM member: How many chords do you know?
Prospective: Three... A, G and F.
IM member: The actual chords?
Prospective: I can play only the power chords
IM member: That's good. You're sure you know absolutely no other chords, right?
Prospective: Yessur.
IM member: Excellent. When can you start?

==

For GnR (any post other than vocalist)

GnR member: Do you know the name of this band?
Prospective: Uhm... Yes
GnR member: Do you know any of our songs?
Prospective: Er, yes *plays first two notes of SCoM*
GnR member: Perfect! How long do you think an album should take to get recorded in?
Prospective: Atleast 15 years. Gotta take your time with these things.
GnR member: You're hired!

==

For U2 guitarist post :
Bono (puts away charity file) : do you know how to play more than 2 notes on the guitar?
Slash : yes .3
Bono : NEXT.
Edge : I will give you Lita if you pick me.
Bono : i like the name but no
The Edge : I can play 1 note only if i use a stupid tool on the guitar.
Bono : YOU'RE IN!!! Now sign over your mortgage to Charity.

==

For GreenDay lead guitar (snigger) post:
GD member: Can you play a note on the guitar?
Prospective: Yes
GD member: Can you play it 8 times in a row?
Prospective: Yes
GD member: When can you start? By the way, you have to bring your own mascara.

==

For any new project in the Indian rock scene
Band member: What's your name?
Prospective: Siddharth Coutto.
Band member: You're hired!

==

For Megadeth :

DM : can you play better than Kirk Hammett?
Prospective 1 : no man, he is the best and i love his wah.
DM : *slaps him* get out!
Prospective 2 : Sure. EVERYONE CAN
DM : :D
DM : what guitars and amps do you play?
P2 : I use..
DM : IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT YOU USE. You have to use the same ones i do or you are not hired
P2 : sigh. Ok I will stop using my ENGL tube amps and Jackson custom guitars for...Dean and Marshall :|

==

Modern-day Pink Floyd interview:
DG: Why haven't you touched my feet yet?
P: Lower your gaze sir, my surgically planted wooden third arm too is touching your feet.
DG: Good. Get the lyrics from my wife

==

For ZZ Top:
Band member: Do you have either facial hair or a name with elements of it?
Prospective: Sure... My name is Harry Moustache and...
Band member: HIRED!

==

For Metallica's crew post:

Lars : Hi. have you ever downloaded a song off the internet illegaly?
Prospective : Uhh... everyone has.
Lars : Light the beacons!
(beacons are lit)
Lars: My lawyers will be in touch.

==

Dream Theater:
Band member: Are you a level 893489 Trinity college examination holder in any instrument?
Candidate: Uh... No :(
Band member: Can you sing?
Candidate: A bit, but I've been accused by the rest of my band for dragging them down.
Band member: Sign here, please.

==

Blind guardian interview. Circa release date of The children of Hurin.

HK : who is your favourite author?
P1 : J K Rowling! :D Gay4 HP.
HK : *sets fire to p1*
P2 : Tolkien.
HK : Don't lie. Name your favourite book by him
P2 : the children of hurin.
HK : DEI
P2 : Why did you misspell die?
HK : I bet your favourite metallica song is nothing else matters.
P2 : Yes! how did you know.
HK : oh so you are basically every music fan in India?
P2 : *walks away*

==

Coldplay Interview :

CM : Do you know A minor?
P1 : No but i hear all your fans are minors.
CM : DEI.
P2 : Yes it is the only scale right?
CM : You're Hired.

==

Backstreet Boys backstage:
BSB1: Look what I got, guys! A guitar!
Rest of BSB: You're fired.

==

Eric Clapton backing band interview:

EC: Have you learned any new musical skill in the last 20 years?
P: Nope.
EC: Hired!

==

Dragonforce :

Herman Li : So can you play 3192830912381 notes a second?
P1 : Hey didn't you deliver chinese takeout to me last night?
Herman LI : *gets sword out and slices P1 in half*
P2 : Hey i think there's enough racism here so i can play 1 note per second but when i speed it up like you do i can play 12039812093812093812839109382.
HL *slices p2 as well*
P3 : is this the Noodle making class?
HL : harakiri.

==

Rebecca Black:
RB: Can you write songs about the dilemma faced between choosing the front seat or the back seat of a car?
Candidate: Yes.
RB: Can you auto-tune?
Candidate: Yes.
RB: you're hired.

==

Lamb of God:
Randy: Can you make profound, meaningful lyrics and never make it seem so on stage?
P: I guess so.
R: Here, eat this.
P: *swallows, flinches*.. RRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHOOOOOAAAAAAAHHHHH *pukes all over the floor*
R: Pick him up and give him his lines.

==

AC/DC :

ACDC : do you still have your school uniform?
Candidate : no. why would i still have that?
ACDC : GET OUT!
Candidate 2 : I found this in my closet but i can't play guitar barring rehashed old acdc songs.
ACDC : hired!

==

Boyzone:
RK: We really like your voice and think you'll fit in perfectly well with us.
Candidate: Why, thank you! I look forward to being part of this group.
RK: I think we're good here. Do you have any questions?
Candidate: Why, yes, actually. What do you guys think of making original music?
RK: GETOUTOFHEREANDNEVERSHOWYOURFACEAGAIN

==

Harris Jayaraj:

HJ: Can you play the C minor scale?
P: Um.. yes but I'm not very sure about others..
HJ. Perfect! Hired.

==

Savage Garden:
DH: When do you think Greatest Hits albums should be released?
Candidate: Atleast once every two studio albums. No point letting the hits get stale, no?
DH: Perfect! Welcome aboard! Our induction programme includes a trip to the moon and back.

==

The Beatles :
Candidate : before you ask me anything , let me tell you a joke.
Beatles : ok
C : knock knock
Beatles : who is there?
C : Ringo's most complex drum pattern.
Beatles : DEI!

==

Spinal Tap:
ST member: Are you prone to accidents
Drummer: Yes.
ST member: You're hired!

==

Opeth :

Mikael Akerfeldt : Are you a sexy beast like me?
C1 : Yes.
MA : You are fired
MA : Are you a sexy beast?
C2 : No.
MA : Have you been in a band longer than 3 years?
C2 : No
MA : You are hired
....
3 years later,
MA : C2, you're fired.

==

Linkin Park:
Chester: Do you know Photoshop?
Candidate: Why yes, I can also play the gui...
Chester: SHADDAP! YOU'RE HIRED!

==

Fort Minor :

MS : so what can you bring to our group? you look a little old.
Candidate : Ohh i came for the minors. isn't this the fort of minors?
MS : You pervert! this is my band's name.The minors are all pissed off with Mikhail's coldplay comment. you can find them there.
Candidate : yes! come to the precious.

==

‎Krish Ashok:
Do you think TR is kvlt?
Yes.
Do you think TR is Awesome?
Yes.
Do you worship TR?
Yes.
You're hired!

==

Zero:

WM: Okay, let's test your GK. When is Christmas?
Candidate: Uhm... December.
WM: *sigh* Thanks. Next.

==

Blackstratblues:

WM : So you want to play in my live band?
P1 : yes.
WM : whichsongs do you want to play?
P1 : Bombay Rain!
WM : Did Mikhail send you here?
P1 : no sir. who is that?
WM : ok will let you know.
P2 : Hey man when are you releasing your albums on vinyl?
WM : Why has mikhail brainwashed all the candidates?

==

Oasis lead vocalist spot:
Noel Gallagher: First of all, do you have ANY Gallagher genes?
Candidate: Uhm no. I'm American.
NG: Thank goodness. Now, pronounce: S-H-I-N-E
Candidate: shine
NG: Again. Slowly.
Candidate: sheeeeeeeyiiiiine
NG: You're in! Don't bother getting your songwriting books along, I'll take care of that.

==

Zero groupie interview:

SC: So you know all our songs, albums, history, read all our articles on NH7, everything.
Candidate: Yessir.
SC: I think we're good to go. Tell me, what song would you like us to play more often?
Candidate: Cry.
SC/WM/RT/BT: Darn you Deepak, we told you you couldn't apply for this job. Get OUT!

==

Michael Angelo Batio:
MAB: So what sort of music do you like to play?
Candidate: I'm into slow-tempo, almost elevator-type music. Nothing faster than say 50 BPM.
MAB: You're just bloody lucky that my sarcasm isn't as good as my guitaring.

==

Don Ross:
DR: Oh wait, I don't need anybody else.

(PS: The dude is awesome)

==

Tenacious D
Jack Black: Do you have "Ious D" tattooed on your butt cheek?
Candidate: What?
JB: you're rejected.

==

Metallica bassist interview
LU: Are you Cliff Burton reincarnated?
Candidate: Er, no...
LU: Gah! Then atleast can you channel his spirit?
Candidate: Err.... Not really.
LU: YOULOUSYMOTHERFUCKERCANYOUATLEASTPLAYLIKECLIFFBURTON?!!!!!!!
Candidate: Noone can play like Cliff Burton, sir.
LU: Hired.

==

Led Zeppelin:
Q: Have you heard of Jake Holmes?
A: Who?
Q: You are hired

==

The Who:

Q: Do you want to join me and Bonham? we are trying to cut Peter Frampton's hair.
A: Ermmm... No?
Q: You are a pussy. Here. Catch this dynamite.

==

Phew :D

I'm guessing there are going to be a few contributions in the comments (I can hope, no?) I'll put those up on another post. Or... Perhaps even do a Tumblr if there are that many :)

MY TOP 20 DEEP PURPLE SONGS

2011-04-17T13:06:00.004+05:30

Deep Purple are probably the most likable of the hard rockin' bands. It's easy to picture people hating Metallica and Iron Maiden for being too heavy (or propagating Satan), Led Zeppelin for being too shriek-y, Black Sabbath for being too dark, van Halen for being too showy... Whatever. But it's hard to imagine a 'I hate Deep Purple' consortium, innit? From 16 year old school kids pretending to be metchul, to corporate uncles well into their 40s, sipping fine whisky - the appeal of the band is tremendous.

As far as favourite songs are concerned: Other bands may have points of contention - LZ2 or LZ4? Master of Puppets era or Load era? But for Purple, there really is no contest - in the 1969 - 1972 era, they were kings (the classic lineup of Gillan, Lord, Blackmore, Paice and Glover being called the Mark II lineup), producing music of such brilliance that it would not just immortalize them in the pantheons of great rock bands, but also act as a burden against which the rest of their catalog would forever be compared. And that burden sadly was never shaken off - 1973's Who Do We Think We Are? onwards has had it's moments of brilliance, particularly in the Coverdale era. But take anyone's top 10 Deep Purple song collection and - I'm willing to trade my Grados on this - majority of the songs will be made up from those three albums. More specifically, Machine Head, which stands with Led Zeppelin 4 and Paranoid as the holy trinity of British hard rock.

Post sporadic brilliance from the Coverdale era, the what-should-have-been-mind-blasting reunion of the Mark II lineup was nothing but. A couple of good songs later, the band was bickering, lineup changes happened again - and quite honestly, a once legendary band looked like a mess. Once Blackmore left the band, doom was predicted, but surprisingly (or perhaps not so much), they churned out their best albums post Machine Head with Abandon and Bananas, with Steve Morse doing a fabulous job replacing the legendary axeman.

Enough of history, now. So, what are the 20 songs I recommend you start off with?
(As always, videos from YouTube are linked)

20. Speed King: A few experimental albums (including an orchestral ones), left people thinking Deep Purple weren't really rockers. Their response was nothing short of VenkateshPrasadtoAamirSohailish. The first song on Deep Purple In Rock (which, like Kochi Tuskers Kerala - leaves no room for doubt as to their direction). What a perfect precursor to what the band was about to do in the next few years, this. The birth of the legendary Jon Lord-Ritchie Blackmore jugalbandhis started here for all practical purposes.

19. Bloodsucker: Immediately following Speed King in chronology, Purple make their intentions known. And that bloodcurdling scream at 0:23? Why, that's just Ian Gillan showing that he's one of the greatest vocalists in rock history. Of course, this vocal performance was just a warm-up to what comes next on the album - rated much, much higher on this list of course, so we'll get back to that later.

18. Fireball: Getting increasingly comfortable with their new hard rock avatar, the next album's title track sees a more refined effort. Ian Paice (the only constant Deep Purple member till date) makes his presence felt on the skins.

17. Hush: The most famous song from the early Deep Purple era, also the first song on their discography. In many ways shows what the band was about to do - lovely groove, shades of individual brilliance, cheeky lyrics. But they wouldn't do that chorus thing too many times. But you can't help loving that organ sound in there. (PS: The video is a slightly hard-rocky version. Check it out)

16. One More Rainy Day: Also from the same album comes this quite melodious sing-along. The highlight here once again is the chorus singing and Lord's organ work.

15. Anthem: Almost Elvis-like is Gillan on this track. But this song - again an early gem - belongs Lord who not just pulls of stellar organ work, but also orchestrates a string arrangement in the middle of the track.

14. The Spanish Archer: We're jumping a few years here - we're off to 1987's House Of Blue Light where this little ditty is buried. By this time, the Mark II reunion was hanging by a thread. All the more reason to admire these tracks - that this lineup could create such tracks in acrimony, that most other bands would struggle to create even in perfect friendship. Blackmore shines in this track - the outro and the haunting riff.

13. Hard Road (aka Wring That Neck): Unlike Pink Floyd - whose first few albums I consider rubbish - Deep Purple's first few albums are filled with hidden gems. Especially if you like keyboard-based rock. This was a band searching for direction, yes - but boy, did they sound good doing it. This is one of my favourite tracks from that era. It's an instrumental - so you get to hear Jon Lord and Ritchie Blackmore in all their blues-sexin' glory.

12. Soldier of Fortune: Deep Purple were as brilliant mellow as they were hard. And they've had the immense fortune to have two fantastic vocalists. The lesser known of those, David Coverdale owns this track. Totally. Sadly, the next album was considered one of their worst, and led to disbanding, before the Mark II era reunited with questionable success. But for most listeners - it starts with Speed King and ends with this, chronologically.

11. Lazy: With all the brilliance on either side of this track (see the track listing?), it's easy to ignore it - much like a newcomer in the 2000s Australian bowling lineup. That buildup. That riff of lazy elegance. That organ solo. That mouth organ. On any other album, it could have been a marquee track. The Stuart MacGill of Deep Purple's discography, this.

Okay, let's move on to the big guns now.

10. Burn: With the departure of one of the best vocalists in rock history, what could Deep Purple do? Answer: This song. Hello, David Coverdale. Also, hat-tip to some of Ian Paice's busiest drumming.

09. Stormbringer: My personal favourite of the Coverdale era. And why not? He sounds more a part of the band than ever before, and would not have been out of place on Machine Head. Dominating guitaring by Blackmore, and that wah-based organ riff.

08. Sail Away: Deep Purple is full of hidden gems - and you discover a new one with every listen. One such is this piece of brilliance from Burn - probably one of the best tracks in rock history that use two vocalists (of course, there was this minor classic). This is probably one of their grooviest tracks.

07. Space Truckin': Ian Gillan's interplanetary travelogue is blessed with some incredible songwriting and a monster riff. The album closer of their best album, it deserves no less. However, the Made In Japan version of this, a gargantuan 19-minute piece, is sheer organ orgasm.

06. Pictures of Home: Again suffering from the Stuart MacGill syndrome is this hidden gem, featuring my favourite lesser known Deep Purple riff. Also featuring a cute little hey-the-song-has-ended-haha-not-really moment.

05. Perfect Strangers: OMGOMGOMGBBQOMG! THE CLASSIC DEEP PURPLE LINEUP IS BACK! SURELY THAT MEANS ABSOLUTE PWNAGE OMGOMG! Well, not really. But atleast they had the good sense to leave us one absolute classic before slipping into mediocrity. And what a track they left us! No solo on this one, but. that. riff.

04. April: Remember how I said Deep Purple is full of hidden gems? Look no further than this. Songs like this just make you want to find the guy who first thought of putting blues to an electric guitar and proceed to blow him. Or buy him a beer.

03. Smoke On The Water: Yes yes, the track that everyone knows. But for a minute let's step back and appreciate the beauty of this track. Riff that every kid who buys a guitar will want to learn first? Check. Lyrics that are easy to follow and are funny? Check. Brilliant blues solo from one of the best guitarists of all time? Check. This had 'classic' written all over it. But it's all about that riff. So for all you Deep Purple geeks, here's Blackmore and Glover talking about the riff.

02. Aisa Zakhm Diya Hai: One of the biggest collaborations ever in the musical world, when director Mansoor Khan contacted his favourite band and asked them to score a piece for his Aamir Khan-Manisha Koirala strarrer, for which lyricist Majrooh Sultanpuri penned his classic lyrics. No, really. Unless, of course, you're telling me that Anu Malik ripped off a song from the band. Now, that's just laughable. Ha!

Okay, okay.

Real 02. Child In Time: One website ranked this track the #1 most under-rated track of all time. I don't think that's quite right, for two reasons: 1. People who regularly listen to rock will definitely know of its existence and would have rated it high enough. 2. Casual listeners of rock would not be able to appreciate it enough. In that regard, maybe the more 'accessible' Pictures of Home would be underrated.

Anyhow, enough pfaff. I wish I could go on and on about this song, but I don't need to. Instead, I will provide this ratio that should about sum it up -

Shane Watson's 185 :: Australia's chase :: Ian Gillan : Child In Time #PureDominationEdition

One of the greatest vocal performances, ever. Which now brings us to ultimatepwnz0r of all Deep Purple tracks...

01. Highway Star: THE hard rock song. Mean machine-based lyrics. Adrenaline. Guitar. Organ. Running bassline. Muted rhythm guitar. Opening one of the greatest albums of all time. But the definitive moment of this track, and perhaps Purple's career - is between 3:46 and 5:05, where Jon Lord and Ritchie Blackmore launch into an astonishing, jaw-dropping synchronized solo that brings to mind images of Wasim and Waqar at their best tormenting English batsmen in tandem. Or Goscinny and Uderzo getting together to make glorious visual puns. Or Bischler-Napieralski's world-famous synthesis of 3,4-dihydroisoquinolines from the β-ethylamides of electron-rich arenes using condensation reagents such as P₂O₅, POCl₃ or ZnCl_2.

So there you have it. A few salient take-aways:

1. Top 20 Deep Purple Songs = Machine Head and friends.
2. A song I would have included at #21: Mitzee Dupree. What a fun song! Superb stuff from their 'decline' era.
3. Only at this point did I realise I forgot 'Black Night'. Lesson learnt: Look at all the albums, not just the studio version. I'd probably put it in at #7 or 8 or something. Sorry 'bout that. Sigh.
3. To all those narrow-minded idiots who think keyboards have no place in rock music, I have three words for you: Jon. Fucking. Lord.

CAN WE DEAL WITH THIS?

2011-04-03T15:51:00.002+05:30

A couple of years back, India was on the doorstep of greatness in Test cricket - threatening to claim the #1 position, realistically and not on pirated editions of International Cricket Captain in desktops across the country.

I'd written a post back then, wondering whether we as a nation would be ready to accept this. And by that, I mean whether we, so given to berating our cricketers and giving steady business to effigy manufacturers, could deal with the fact that we were going to be the best team in the world.

And now, we've gone and won the goddamn World Cup. Bleddy. Now what do we do?

Let's rewind a little, shall we?

Indian cricket was like its politicians and its industry way, way back. Had its moments, but more often than not, provided ample fodder for angry armchair critics and cartoonists. And, as a consequence, not followed with too much fervour and passion. And then 1983 happened. Suddenly, we were the best team in the world... Supposedly.

It's still debatable whether the victory was a fluke, but there's no denying the ramifications it had. The imagination of a nation had been sparked. Kapil Dev's catch to send back Viv Richards was possibly the most important in the history of the sport, leading a chain of events, a shift in the center of power, commercialization, TV rights, and ironically enough for Dev, the Indian Premier League.

And now we were expected to win. Everything. We were (are?) an unforgiving nation. And moreso when individual brilliance goes to waste - part of the reason Sachin Tendulkar is the icon he is.

In the 90s, cricket exploded in terms of tournaments and money and as a result, India was at the forefront of world cricket. Matches were beamed into more homes than ever before and players came under more scrutiny than a pipette during a 12th standard Chemistry practical examination. During the 90s, India were a team that oscillated between brilliance and ignominy. More of the latter comes to mind, doesn't it? Think painful losses in the West Indies and South Africa.

It was fashionable to trash the Indian team. We surrendered to our fate - of the inefficacy of our pace attack, save Javagal Srinath and the odd piece of brilliance by a certain BKV Prasad. The inability to chase. The clear dependence on the batsmen (batsman?), the lead-footedness of our fielders, and the absolutely inexplicable record away from the womb-like comfort of home pitches.

We were a joke, and noone liked to remind us of this more than ourselves. In 1997, the thought of international cricketers coming to India to play a league was ridiculous not because we didn't have the money, but because we didn't have the respect. In our own heads. Insecurity and self-deprecation were the best forms of defence for a nation that probably came to expect too much, too soon. Fastracks to godliness and stoned houses were both equally probable. Rooms plastered with The Sportstar posters, and effigies burnt in public too. Screw the Sensex, the performance of our team was the true indicator of the nation. Australia and South Africa were the Gods - out of reach. Like when your crack garage band goes to a competition and sees the existing regional champions with their fancy Fenders and Korgs, you'd just stare and watch in wonder and trepidation - wondering when you'd ever get there.

All this seemed perfectly to script, till 13 March 2001. And then VVS Laxman happened.
And it happened again.
And then Dravid happened, a little later.
And then Sehwag too.
Sachin was still there.
Ganguly too. And Zaheer.

Wait, wait. Rewind. What the fuck was happening here? India, winning matches away from home? Our Indian cricket team, beating top-notch teams? Our India in a World Cup final? Our India having a bowler being spoken about as the 'best fast bowler in the world at present'?

No, that can't be right.
Who do we make fun of, now? We're still too insecure about ourselves to make jokes of other countries... Right?

All this is a little too heady.

Now we have noone to make fun of. Our cricketers may have active nightlives, but they're also #1 in both forms of the game and the fucking World champions now. You can't deny them a little fun and games if they can do that, can you? We turned our attention to Yuvraj, who was steadily competing with the MRF blimp. He responded by bagging the Man of the Series award. In a World Cup. For that, son, you can sit at Moti Mahal and hog away all day. Better yet, we'll have it delivered and sent to your home. And MS Dhoni. Dear lord, MS Dhoni. We made fun of his hair. He responded by winning everything winnable. #1 in Tests. And ODIs. The World Cup. The IPL. The Champions' League. The T20 World Cup. The last ever trination series in Australia. The only way he can add anything else to his cabinet is if India get relegated and win the ICC Associate Trophy as well.

Well, we still have Sreesanth, thankfully, but we're in a generous mood, and in any case, his skipper at Kochi Tuskers Kerala, who he so lovingly greeted on Saturday, should sort him out.

Who will bitter old uncles direct their tirade at now?
How can we make 'Haha, you can't even catch that? You're a shoo-in in the Indian team' jokes anymore?
This has been our culture, the thing that's got us by our own individual mediocrity over the last few decades. And now that's been taken away from us as well.

Make no mistake. This is the greatest crisis that Indian cricket has faced for a while. And the thing is, it doesn't look like it's going to go away anytime soon.

And I think, we as a country, ought to be thankful for that.

Now pray that our football team doesn't go and do something stupid like winning the 2014 World Cup.

==

This post is dedicated to two people without whom this victory (and many, many others) would have never happened. One was a commentator during the match. The other coached a team to the semifinals.

==

DEAR RICKY

2011-03-25T10:59:00.003+05:30

Dear Ricky,

Let me start off by saying that over the last decade, probably noone has abused you more than I have.
I was a young lad in Bahrain, still not knowing what a Hell-Volhard-Zelinsky reaction was, when I first read of your black eye. "Ha, what a little punk", I said to myself. "He'd better shape up, otherwise a good career could very well go to waste", I would say, before heading back to Lakhmir Singh and Manjit Kaur's treatises on biology for Class X.

We cheered the loudest when Harbhajan got you out in the 2001 series. Steve was always welcome to make centuries, of course. Adam Gilchrist was the wicketkeeper we all wanted to be. But you were the temperamental genius, the spoilt young kid from a land which we only identified with the Tasmanian Devil (the cartoon character, to be sure). We hated you. We loved getting you out and the fact that you were clueless on Indian soil and helped build the confidence of our second most important spinner ever.

Then, you started to make a lot of runs. You started making runs in bucketloads. We weren't too concerned. We had Saurav, Rahul, VVS and Sachin (in that order of importance) who made us a better team.

In the meantime, you suddenly became captain. We laughed. Border, Taylor, Waugh. Huge shoes. Respected all over the world. And they give the guy who was involved in a pub fight the captaincy? Good day, Australian domination!

And then, you had the sheer impudence to win. Again and again. Not just that, you had the audacity to make runs. More runs than Tendulkar! What, is that even ALLOWED in this BCCI-dominated era?

And then, your 100th Test. The form of your fucking little life. Two centuries. I remember that image, Ricky. You were in the air, pumping your fist. You were a dominator. It was clear.

Ricky Thomas Ponting was not just a flash in the pan or a supremely talented batsman. He was a legend. It was clear that he'd end the decade as the leading run scorer, by a mile.

Which, Ricky, you did.

Along the way, Australia became the most hated team in the world. Why was that, again? Was it because you 'cheated' in 2008 in Sydney? Perhaps. We Indian fans would like to mollify ourselves by saying that. But then again, we've been beneficiaries of many a poor decision ourselves, surely? And if Michael Clarke hadn't taken those three wickets in the last over, surely, Sydney would have been just a blip instead of S&M for Indian cricket fans? Yeah, you probably shouldn't have told the umpire that you had, indeed, caught the ball, after refusing to walk. That wasn't very nice.

But yeah, it's not like we haven't all sinned at some point of time in our lives. I'm willing to bet my 450 GB collection of pirated music on that.

But anyway.

The world amplified events like these. We loved hating you. Do you realise that the entire world celebrated Ashes 2005 and 2009? We weren't celebrating England winning - we don't care two hoots about them - we were celebrating you losing. Yes, we hated you.

I clearly remember 12 March 2006. The greatest ODI ever (all you '99 fanboys and your talk of even bat-and-ball contest, shut up). In my hostel, there were tears of joy. We were jumping up and down, crazy. Think about it, Ricky. A bunch of Mallu to-be engineers. Celebrating an Aussie loss in a faraway land. Note: Aussie loss, not a South African win. We hated you, boy, did we.

But then, that nasty thing happened to us. Well, atleast to me. Age. And with it, a questionable amount of maturity. It wasn't cool to diss music 'below' rock and metal anymore. We started worrying about our girth and started exercising. We quietly Googled how to invest in mutual funds.

And, most shockingly, we developed a sense of respect for you.

Yes. We did.

It had to be acknowledged. Some of us even said you were a better batsman than Sachin. Which in the noughties, you were.
You won three World Cups.
You captained your team to victory in two of them.

You didn't exactly cheat to get there. Sure, mental disintegration and all that, sure. But if a player can't take a few abuses, what's he doing in top-flight international cricket anyway? Right?

You don't get three winners' medals by not having a little bit of talent. Neither do you do it totally by subterfuge. We quietly, grudgingly, admired you and your team. We'd turn our screens away from public gaze and watch your innings on YouTube. Alongside making investments in mutual funds as our roomies ordered pizza.

Mind you, to appear cool, we'd still mock you and make fun of you. Which is why Pontingface is the revolution that it was. But heck, we don't make a Smithface or a Jayasuriyaface or a Flowerface, even though they're amazing players who've had excellent runs against India. We loved hating you. And your arrogant team.

We haters only remember the Ashes victory, but conveniently tend to brush under the carpet the 6-1 walloping you gave the Poms after that (only Test cricket is real cricket, no?)

But oh, Ricky, we all loved you. Secretly. When a team would rack up 400/2 on Day One, we'd say "YEAAAH! Play like the Australians... Errr... Ah.", ending in a self-realising stutter.

On Thursday, I think for the first time in my life, I felt a pang of pity for you. You were now leading a bunch of guys who couldn't hold a candle to the legends you were used to playing with, and still made something out of them. And as good as we Indians were, it was anything but a convincing victory and I'm still not convinced we're a World Cup deserving team. Neither were you, but like us, you were trying. You never gave up. Wotta catch, that Clarkie. Good talent, that. He could be the next you, Ricky. Amazing talent. Lots of it. Importantly, we all hate him. The 2010s could be his. Train him well. We already have a Clarkface, don't we?

You knew your time was up, during the presentation ceremony. Must have been hard. And I really felt sorry for you, mate. Really did. Here was a legend, being boo-ed by an obviously immature audience. Would Bradman have been boo-ed in England?

I can't bring myself to apologize for abusing you over the years.
But somehow, I don't think it makes an iota of difference to you.

A tweet someone put out yesterday summed it up perfectly. "All you buggers who're abusing Ponting are silently celebrating because you all have him in your fantasy team."

Thanks for all the entertainment over the years, Ricky. You're a fucking legend. You know it, the world knows it.

Yours,
A grudgingly converted 'fan' (and I use that term loosely).

PS: You're still an asshole. But like James Hetfield sang - So fucking what?

==

Note 1: This post is dedicated to a dear friend, V, who passed away a couple of years back in a bike crash. He was an amazing buddy and a hardcore Australia supporter. I admired him for having the courage to choose when most of us stuck to the option we'd been born with. When he left this world, Australia's position in the world was unquestioned. I'm sure he'd have liked it that way. Rest in Peace, man. I miss the Boggle sessions.

==

Note 2: Hooboy, it doesn't take much to outrage people, does it? Show them stats that Ponting's been a better batsman than Tendulkar in the 2000s and they still refuse to believe. Anyhow, for anyone who questioned where my ACTUAL loyalties lie, please see this.

==

CRICKETERS STORM THEATER TO PROMOTE CRICKET WORLD CUP

2011-03-16T13:27:00.004+05:30

It was an incredible sight on Sunday at Fame Adlabs, Andheri, when 47 cricketers from various countries stormed into Hall 6 to apparently watch Dum Maaro Dum. Critics claim the real reason they were present was to promote some minor cricket tournament called the ‘ICC World Cup’.

‘These buggers – some nerve, they have. Coming shamelessly to a theatre and promoting their silly little tournament. Is there no sanctity left in this world anymore?’, fumed lead actress Bipasha Basu.

When it was pointed out that the entire cast of the film had, indeed, shown up at Nagpur to ~~promote the film~~ support the team a week back, she floundered and replied, “Err... Ah, well, that indeed... Well, that way, we are only showing our, uhm, support for our team and the, er, national game, no?”

On being told that hockey, indeed, was the national game, she had this to say, “Oh what? Really? They should have something like a Hockey Premier League, no?”

On being told that such a league did, indeed, exist, that too, years before the IPL, she gave up and ran to John Abraham for cover.

In the meanwhile, Lalit Modi, who was nearby, fumed at the fact that such a league existed. “Nevairrrr. How could a league other than the IPL exist? This is outrageous, I say. I order this league to be banned.” He was then told that not only could the BCCI not ban leagues of other sports, but he infact was ousted from the BCCI and could not do anything anymore. “Oh well, guess I’d better sit down and watch this movie, then, no?”, he said, exchanging dirty looks with Shashi Tharoor who was present in a Kochi Tuskers Kerala jersey.

In the meantime, the cricketers claim innocence. “What’s wrong, can’t a bunch of cricketers come to enjoy a movie?”, asked MS Dhoni. On being asked whether this was in retaliation to the whole of the cast showing up at the South Africa game, he answered, for the 923472349th time in his career, “Well, of course.”

On being asked whether an event as large as the Cricket World Cup really required any further promotion, Yuvraj Singh had this to say: “Hey, I came for the free food. Quit the cricket questions.”

Saurav Ganguly was unavailable for comment as no one invited him. Last heard, his manager was trying to get him a free pass to the screening.

==

This post inspired a Faking News post here: http://www.fakingnews.com/2011/03/dhoni-nehra-to-watch-dum-maaro-dum-to-support-bipasha-basu/. Yayness! :)

ROCK ELITISM AND US

2011-03-14T15:50:00.000+05:30

A few weeks ago, aging pop/rock star Bryan Adams came down to Mumbai for a show. I was excited, having been a huge fan of his music during my school days and thought I'd pay tribute by attending his show and generally indulge in some nostalgia.

Hoo boy, nothing had prepared me for the backlash that was to follow when I told some people I was going.

Ranging from taunts, point-and-laughs, phone calls to see if I was serious, and a very short, sweet SMS, simply containing the word "Thoo".

"But you listen to Dream Theater and Karnivool", said one gent. "I also like Carnatic classical. What's your point?", I replied.

Apparently, you can't listen to stuff like Bryan Adams when you 'graduate' onto music that speaks about ripping flesh and suicide. Ah, yes.

Rock elitism. One of the worst sorts of snubbing in our little society of delusion.

You know how you're at a concert waiting for some metchul band to play, and the PA system plays a riff that sounds familiar? You get excited and start humming along, not knowing what the song is. Then you realise it's Linkin Park (Heavens! And you're in your Cradle of Filth tee-shirt!) and immediately stop humming - and make a contorted face which questions the parentage of the DJ. Rock elitism.

It's basic human nature. As we 'graduate', it only becomes cooler to diss things we've graduated out of. Remember at school when you used to look upto the fifth graders as Gods? Heck, that devotion vanished when you were in the sixth grade. There were times we'd think how the blazes you'd ever finish a novel. Now that we read Steig Larsson and Tolkein, we rubbish Chetan Bhagat. And similarly, it becomes uncool to listen to Bon Jovi. Or Def Leppard. No?

Sure, an Adams concert may not have the ~~dopeheads~~ sophisticated rock crowd that knows their G minors from their Cadd9s and their Seymour Duncans from their Dimargios. It may not have the lyrical intelligence of Led Zeppelin or Dream Theater, but saying that 'this music is shit' or 'gay' is not just desultory but reeks of double standards.

Let's look at the points that the rock elitists usually cite, when trashing music lower than their acceptable levels.

1. Lyrical content

'Ooooh baby, baby.'
Is a line that could have been delivered by either Justin Beiber or the Backstreet Boys. But truth - Robert Plant sang it too, in Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You.

Okay, that was a little extreme, but I was just trying to make a point.

Popular music will never have the epic storylines of progressive music, or the opinions that metal tries to portray. Heck, that's probably why it's popular music.

But just saying 'the lyrics are kiddish' is a foolish reason to trash music.
Listen to the lyrics from early Beatles songs. But with the insurance of 'better' words from Sgt. Peppers and Abbey Road to back up the overall espousal of the band, it's safe to say 'I like those songs'.

2. Loudness and speed

This is even lamer. Patience (by GnR) is a 'softer' song than Larger Than Life (Backstreet Boys) and Nothing Else Matters (Metallica) is a slower song than Love Sensation (911). If the reason you like music is because it's loud and closer to incomprehensibility, I'm sorry.

3. Doesn't leave you with the same high

During the Adams concert, I looked around me. What I saw was one of the most poignant scenes I've ever seen during a show. People of all ages singing along. Kids perched on their parents' shoulders singing along and enjoying what was undoubtedly their first huge concert. Sure, there were no rip-roaring guitar solos, no invocations to the devil. But it just seemed that everyone fucking enjoyed it and enjoyed being there.

That left me with a high. Just like how straining my neck along with 30,000 others to For The Greater Good of God during Maiden '07 did.

I don't listen to pop or even Bryan Adams anymore. But I'm yet to see close-mindedness like the sort displayed by rock elitists. Example - look at forums when it was announced the Backstreet Boys were coming to India. Talk of pelting them and killing them. Movements to heckle people who go to their shows. Rallies to boycott them and ensure they never come back to India.

Really, guys? Really? Even a review on one of the most respected rock sites in India spoke of everything BUT the music (isn't that what the review was neutrally supposed to be about, in any case - and not the prevailing sense of negativity?)

I've possibly rambled on a bit and lost the original point I was trying to make out here. When people read an Enid Blyton to 'relive old times', it's cute. When people see Ice Age instead of their Tarantinos and Formans, it's called 'refreshing'. But go back to something played on just synthesizers and.... oooooh!

I have the same opinion on music listening as I do for religion - you practice what you want. I have no problems with that. But don't force your religion on me, and don't expect me to change my ways just because you do it.

Peace out, rock on.

LAME STICK FIGURE COMIC - 2

2011-02-19T10:36:00.002+05:30

Yes, I know. Sorry.

LAME STICK FIGURE COMIC

2011-02-18T11:56:00.000+05:30

#MUMBAIPINKFLOYD

2011-02-17T13:53:00.000+05:30

Another one of those hashtag compilations. This happened a long time ago, though.

@gradwolf: Andheri Side of the Moon

@mokkai_mak: Jugbandra blues

@chuck_gopal: Sion on you Crazy Diamond

@mikhail666: Not now, Raj

@wewakesaynoy: Vashi you were here

@HippieLePew: Intersteller Marine Drive

@bobin_james: Great Fog in the Sky

@b50: Piper at The Gateway of Dawn

@atulkarmarkar: Any Kurla You Like

@bobin_james: San Tacruz

@adi_ses: Another Brick in the Chawl

@HippieLePew: Get Your Filthy Hands Off My Vada Pav

I'm sure there are many more - if you guys think of any, do pop them in the comments, and will add and credit them.

DHARMESHG OFF ALCOHOL, UB FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY

2011-02-12T00:29:00.000+05:30

Indian brewery and alcohol marketing firm United Breweries today filed for bankruptcy anticipating a nosedive in sales ever since doctors told @dharmeshG that he was not to touch the stuff for the next few months.

"Yup, no alcohol for me for the next 6 months", said a distraught @dharmeshG, and by 'said', we mean 'tweeted'.

"This is terrible!", said UB chairman Vijay Mallya (and by 'said', I mean 'bellowed') "When we noticed a slight dip in sales, I thought it was just some anomaly and proceeded to joke with the board that @dharmeshG might have quit drinking for a while. Then in a moment reminiscent of the two flunkies in that Hitler movie meme, my senior sales managers told me that it was indeed true. This is terrible!"

Last heard, in an attempt to revive sales, Mallya was in deep discussions with Lalit K. Modi to rename "that cricket event coming up to something like the Kingfisher trophy", only for the disgraced former IPL commissioner to tell him the event in advisement was indeed, the World Cup, and in any case, he couldn't do anything about it.

Siddharth Mallya, scion, UB Group, in a rare display of sense - started cutting back on expenses. "It's true, I just use Brylcreem now instead of the international gook!", he said, carefully patting his hairdo. And by 'said', we mean 'tried to mumble and appear smart enough to boss around RCB n00bs and impress Deepika'.

Bereft of alcohol for the coming few months, @dharmeshG contemplates the extreme step.

Industry watchers are inconvenienced with the task of editing their tables. "Previously, we used to have 76 zones. The top of which were Goa, Kerala, Diu and then @dharmeshG. Now we have to edit all our tables and remove one column. Gah!", said an industry expert.

@dharmeshG, in the meantime, has distracted himself by creating a meme out of himself, by deleting his Twitter account, and renaming an old one... No wait... He deleted the new one and renamed the old one and renamed... No wait...

Noted Twitter philosopher and noted mind therapist @onejubb adds fuel to the fire by coining regular alcohol-related puns in the vicinity of said @dharmeshG, such as "Don't worry, ale is well", "Beer with this phase, it'll pass" and "Guess you got away scotch-free". And by 'said', we mean 'posted on Twitter with scant disregard for grammar or punctuation'.

SUMMER OF '83

2011-02-04T15:00:00.000+05:30

Poor 1984-onwards- Indian cricketers. Every four years when they step into a World Cup, the hype surrounding them is so massive you would need a truck to carry it (the same truck of Sidhu-propogated-gap-between-bat-pad-so-large-truck-could-drive-through fame).

And it’s all their fault. Those Kapil’s Devils. That miraculous win. Teams of today will always be compared to them. “They hardly had any numbers. Today we have tens of thousands of runs and still can’t win”, we moan. Yes - It’s all their fault that today’s team has baggage. Innit?

In any case, here’s what the Indian fan of today would probably sing to himself, every World Cup.

To be sung to the tune of Bryan Adams’ Summer of ’69.

We got our first real feeling,
Down at the St. John's Wood,
Jimmy's three and Llyody got harried,
Who'd have thought we'd get so far?

Oh I see the replays now
Those seamers seemed to go for ever
And if I had the choice
Damn, I wish I could have been there.

That was the best day of our lives.

Ain't no use in complaining,
We almost had number two,
Spent my evening Ponting-abusin’,
How could we lose, I ask you, yeah!

Standin' on victory's door
We threw it away in that year.
And if Zak had a choice
Yeah, he'd erase that first over.

That was the worst day of our lives.

But now we're playin' fine,
We are young and restless.
We're coming from behind.
Hope this form can last for ever, for ever, yeah!

And now the times are changin'
Players, teams - they've come and gone.
Sometimes when I get that ol' feeling
I hope this year, it don't go wrong.

For all of this Feb and March
You can feel the rising fever
And touch wood, fingers crossed
April 2'll be a day to remember.

It could be the best day of our lives.

Oh yeah.
Like that summer of '83.

Woooooooaaaaaaaaah!
Not like Azhar's boys in '99.

This is a preview of a series of such 'songs' me and Krish Ashok will be doing on Cricinfo. Hope you liked this, there are going to be lots more.

MAKING COMICS USING POWERPOINT

2011-01-17T21:36:00.000+05:30

So I've been lucky enough to make comics for a few people, starting with of course, my good friends over at PaGaLGuY, who I am indebted to for giving me my first break.

Now when I was first asked to make comics, I bravely tried using PhotoShop. Trust me, I tried.

I failed. I failed more miserably than a lifetime Apploholic trying to use MS-DOS. I failed more than the supporters of the world-famous #Sreesanth502 campaign to drum up support among South African locals. I failed. I spent an hour trying to figure out how to draw a frikkin' box with rounded edges. And let's not even get into callouts and stuff yet.

I gave up on PhotoShop and decided to revert back to the one software I was comfortable with - Microsoft Powerpoint. Yes, yes, I know our dear ol' tool has been the victim of much satire - ranging from those by him, to him. But I swear by it, being a marketing MBA who is now into internet marketing, I average around 2 Powerpoints a day. On slow days.

So it was only natural that for making comics, I employ my tool of choice too. Makes sense, no? Now, a few people (2 nos.) have asked me how I go about doing this. And so, here we are.

1. After coming up with the idea, I draw the thing on paper.

2. I take pictures of the images using my trusty Nikon D5000, and my 50mm/1.8 lens in black and white. Keeping things to minimal colours helps during editing since I use only outlines. Basic cropping and contrast adjustment is done using that highly under-rated tool, MS Picture Manager. After all this, the photos should end up looking like this.

3. Now I have a Powerpoint template for each set of comics that I make. Seen below is the template I use for the PaGaLGuY comics.

4. Now's the actual time-consuming part - putting the images into the boxes, filling in the blurbs, etc. Powerpoint has some excellent features that allow me to make comics - including the callouts, boxes of all shapes and sizes, and options such as crop and 'send to front' which are invaluable. Resizing images and tilting them to angles is a breeze. Photoshop can kiss my @r$3.

I usually devote one slide to one panel. The dimensions of the panel depend on who I'm drawing for and their requirements (eg: PaGaLGuY has a width limit of 450 px). After putting all the comics together in different slides, things look something like this:

5. I have one master PPT template which has the same width but maximum height. This allows me to 'size up' all the panels together. This makes things really easy so that panels are all aligned properly.

6. Then I do a select-all+copy and dump things into... (as a final act of snubbing Photoshop) MS Paint. Seriously. Of course, it's imperative to save as PNG since saving as JPEG will cause information loss, and will generally look smudgy.

7. I send it over to the kind folks at PG who then put it up.

Now to some of you this might seem painful and would recommend doing everything together in Powerpoint or some comics-making software, but for me this works best. After ideation, the final product takes just about 2 hours.

So yeah. I don't know if anybody else uses (or wants to use!) Powerpoint for comics-making, but if anyone needs help, let me know.

PS: The comic that is shown up here is this one.

THE YEAR IN, UHM, MS PAINT

2011-01-01T19:17:00.001+05:30

It's no secret that I'm a dud with imaging software. Soon after I was contracted for my first professional cartooning assignment, I spent two hours on Photoshop trying to figure out how to draw a frikkin' box with rounded edges.

I told myself to stop dreaming, and came back to the more realistic and reliable world of MS Paint and MS Powerpoint - a combination that has served me well and faithfully, like the Flower brothers have for Zimbabwe cricket (hence explaining why, after they retired, Zim cricket was fucked - because it was deflowered. Teehee)

Okay, moving on.

What I did manage to accomplish, however, was a fair amount of proficiency in MS Paint. Nothing that will be hung in galleries, or even on the house fridge, I reckon. But still.

I've had a bit of fun putting some images together, and here they are for your viewing pleasure (if that's the right word).

Warning: Many of them are Twitter-based. So if you're here from that universe, you'll understand most of them.

This was made for a friend, Arati.

For dear ol' ABVan's artistic side.

If Sidin's book had taken a mildly Star Warsesque turn.

For a friend on Friendship day.

sdfsdf

One

From Iron Maiden (no, really) on Onam day to all Mallus.

And by Pink Floyd on, well...

What if one of India's best bloggers were an intern in Dilbert's office? We'd get @Krishasok, of course.

And if he were a Hindi film superhero?

What if a quartet of Amits released a legendary 60s album?

And lastly, coming back to Floyd, what if their 9th album had been released in the Facebook era?

Clearly, I have too much free time on my hands.

Happy new year, people.

FAREWELL, 2010

2010-12-31T19:31:00.001+05:30

lWhen Arjun and I raised our glasses to a good 2010 a year ago, I didn't know how epic things would turn out to be. You see, I had come off the worst possible year - a shitty job, losing a dear friend, and breaking up in the most devastating manner, getting stabbed in the back by people I never expected to.

2010 was supposed to be a new beginning. And hoo boy, it was.
So, with all the risks of this being another of those sentimental posts that people groan at and complain about on Facebook, I proceed. So to keep things filmy, let's give out moments in awards-category style, shall we?

Turning point of the year:
The FlyYouFools contest. I entered, won a consolation prize and the audience award. Now what that did was finally spark something in myself and a friend who was the editor at PaGaLGuY and the idea of satire MBA comics came along. Seemed like a worthy experiment. But I was slightly apprehensive, given I'd never cartooned anything publish-worthy and my last strip was made back in school. But heck, why not?

What followed stunned both of us - the response to the first comic was phenomenal. Finally, I took up the mantle of the entire thing, and went pro. And that triggered off many more things - Cricinfo, MTV, In.com and hopefully a few more next year.

But it all started with that FlyYouFools contest. So thank you, Saad, even if the bucket prize never reached me.

Moment of the year
I had the balls to mail Cricinfo with an idea I had. Having had several of my 'jokes' rejected by Cricinfo commentary. Was thrilled when they wrote back and asked for samples, but positively over the moon when they liked it and offered me a piece.

It was another matter that the initial idea bombed, but I'd like to think we all learn from failures. We salvaged the section by stripping it down to a more consumable format.

Personal favourite blogpost of the year
This post. I figured that my best post would materialize when I tried LEAST to blog like myself. So I blogged like four of the most awesome bloggers in India today, and I was right. I got 1400 hits that day (never crossed 200 before) and traffic ever since has been decent.

I have a feeling, though, that this post will be my Kanitkar moment - that quality has never come since ;)

Personal favourite joke of the year
Offices moving towards the suburbs gave Nariman Point a severe Bandra-Kurla complex.
I was particularly proud of this one.

Musical moment of the year
Finally, India has a fest we can boast of. The NH7 fest was probably the best organized event ever in the country. 50 bands over 8 stages in 3 days is not a joke, but these chaps pulled it off. Not without a few SNAFUs, including sets cut mercilessly short, but things will undoubtedly get better next year.

The runner-up moment would be playing this awesome medley with a bunch of crazy people at the All-India Pagalguy Meet earlier this year. This was the 'fun' song in an otherwise kickass set, but this is the video I go back and see all the time.

Gadget of the year
Get bonus, buy DSLR. Pixie, my Nikon D5000 was my constant companion for concerts. Although I've got a lot to learn, I'd like to think I've taken a few decent pics. My favourite shots: Pentagram and the Split/Indus Creed gigs.

#epicfail of the year
Project 72. Sigh.

Favourite comic of the year
Call me a geek, but this tribute to xkcd was the most brilliant thing I've seen this year: http://www.irregularwebcomic.net/1640.html

Favourite people to meet up with
Narendra Shenoy and Anand Ramachandran. Not only are they legends and incredibly funny, but fantastic people who never refuse if you want to meet up. And they're full of stories.

Finally, thank you!
To all of you here. It never ceases to surprise me that some of you guys come back to this blog to read the tripe that I write, usually done with minimal quality control. It was in Feb that I was over the moon at crossing 30000 hits, today there are over 76000. I still can't believe that. I always wanted to make people laugh (A trait developed since I started removing my trousers in front of my LKG classmates on my first ever day at school) and I hope that I will be able to continue doing that with the blog, the cartoons, the articles and other things in 2011.

Resolutions will be made later, but #Project72 will be one of them. I will also procure off the legendary Sennheiser HD650 and have what they call 'eargasms'. Also, I shall watch more movies, under the tutelage of Prof. @dharmeshG.

I am serious. #Project72 will be a success and I will... Oooh, pizza!

Have a kickass new year, everyone.

NOW THAT'S A REMOTE CONTROL WE COULD USE

2010-12-29T16:48:00.000+05:30

MY TOP 20 PINK FLOYD SONGS

2010-12-26T16:10:00.000+05:30

All I knew of Floyd, way back in Engineering college (yes, I matured late), I remember finding a discography with a Readme that said 'Listen to Floyd, educate yourself'.

Unfortunately, as much as I've tried to delve into the deeper meanings of their songs, I've never been one to overly analyse (I do faithfully, keep the incredible SongMeanings site open at all times though) their lyrics. Needless to say, I'm a Gilmour guy in the eternal Gilmour-Waters #youprefer debate. So the following list should really come as no surprise.

I'm not a huge fan of early Floyd. Piper At The Gates of Dawn had it's moments of fun for me, but that's like a cheap circus before moving onto the main thing. The golden era of Floyd for me, as for millions of others, remain the Dark Side Of the Moon -> Wish You Were Here -> Animals -> The Wall era.

So here are the top 20, in reverse order (and YouTube videos!)

20] Atom Heart Mother Suite : After you painfully move through albums 2, 3 and 4 (yeah, I'm not a fan of that era), this track hits you. First - with its sheer length of over 23 minutes. Then, the synth riff. Then, as you read what it's about, the various 'movements'. This set the tone for another epic of similar length an album down the line, as far as listening to the discography goes. The video is linked to a 10 minute live performance in '72, by the way.

19] The Great Gig In The Sky : The first time I saw this was during a PF Tribute show in Thrissur of all places. I was blown away by a lot of songs (I was listening to Floyd - rendition or otherwise - for the first time) but this one in particular mesmerized me. Whatay vocals by Clare Torry.

18] Sorrow : As much a Gilmour fan as I am, I really don't think much of A Momentary Lapse of Reason. This track to me is the album's saving grace. I just love the way it starts, and am willing to overlook the fact that it meanders off lazily like many tracks on the album.

17] Interstellar Overdrive : Among the weirdness of the first album lies this absolute gem. It's hard to think of anyone but Syd coming up with something like this, and is surely one of the definitive guiding moments for the band.

16] Breathe : We were led to believe that the first album was a whimsy of their then leader. The next few albums, they struggled to find a voice. They found their sound with one of the most epic tracks ever from Meddle. But something was still missing. The moment you hear the chatter on Speak To Me, you know something's gonna give. Breathe kicks in. Pink Floyd, ladies and gentlemen, had arrived.

15] Hey You! : Fantastic standalone track from a brilliant concept album.

14] Welcome To The Machine : Fantastic lyrics dissing the record company establishment. Lovely atmosphere. Space-age effects that were different from Piper because they sounded mature and fit in.

13] Dogs : Their last true 'epic'. The whole Animals album showed Pink Floyd at their peak - great musicmanship, writing and production. While I like Pigs better, this was the more hard-hitting. Roger Waters at his lyrical best. I mean, sample these:

And after a while you can work on points for style,
like the club tie and the firm handshake,
a certain look in the eye and an easy smile.
You have to be trusted by the people that you lie to,
so that when thy turn their backs on you,
you'll get the chance to put the knife in.

Simple, yet killer.

12] Wish You Were Here : The title track from their 9th album has #win written all over it - from the concept of an album for Syd to the radio intro. Easily their most sing-along track, as proved by its overkill by college bands and pretty much any group with an acoustic guitar.

11] Pigs (Three Different Ones) : Waters has never sounded more vehement. For the delicious lyrical output alone, this track deserves a listen.

10] Another Brick In The Wall - Part 2 : The song everyone knows. What a tragedy, however, that they do not know how it fits in to the rest of The Wall. Featuring one of Gilmour's sweetest solos and one of rock music's most recognizable basslines.

09] Coming Back To Life : I guess here's where I lose the Waters fanboys. Sorry, chaps. Those guitar solos are just too good to ignore.

08] Have a Cigar : Again, Floyd at their peak from (what I think is) their finest album. The intro is enough to kick you in the tum, and then the fantastic vocals by guest singer, Roy Harper. Like Led Zep would later title a song, hats off.

07] Marooned : My favourite of the Floyd instrumentals. Gilmour again showing signs of genius, which just makes the world sigh wondering what would have been had Waters' ego not got the better of him.

06] Shine On You Crazy Diamond (Parts I - IV) : And each member of the band does shine here, in this tribute to their first leader, Syd Barrett. That first guitar note is probably the most 'anticipated' in the history of rock. Bliss.

05] Time : With good earphones (yay, IE7!) you can bring out the true sonic brilliance of the intro. But you don't need that to realise this is a monumental track from a band that knows it's found its purple patch. With one of the most dry takes on modern life, which still remains relevant today, Floyd were making a statement. One that would continue for the next few albums as well.

04] Money : And a couple of tracks after Time, comes this. Show me one person who hasn't been taken away by the 7/8 bassline or the 'money-sounds-loop'. Or the sax. Brilliant, brilliant track.

This brings us to the final 3.

03] High Hopes : That guitar solo. Period. (for best results, see the P.U.L.S.E version)

02] Echoes : After muddling around for 5 albums and 5 tracks, just having heard the terrible 'Seamus', a first-timer could be forgiven for giving up on Floyd. And then - the piano. THAT piano sound. Only Pink fucking Floyd could have pulled off playing the same note for over a minute. You KNOW from then that the track is going to be freaking epic, you realise this band could actually mean something. And when you hear THIS paragraph:

Cloudless everyday you fall upon my waking eyes
Inviting and inciting me to rise
And through the window in the wall
Come streaming in on sunlight wings
A million bright ambassadors of morning

there are no more doubts. But it all starts with that piano note.

01] Comfortably Numb : While there's always the temptation to move away from the 'expected' #1 in order to look 'cooler' and 'more educated', I'd still rate this as their best ever song. For a variety of reasons. The lyrics. The music. The concept. The video. The way it's sung. The arrangement. One of the greatest guitar solos of all time. The last great song by Waters/Gilmour. Again, overkilled by bands left right and center (including a couple I was involved in, who killed it rather than overkilled it) but still revered by Floydfreaks the moment that first Bm kicks in. Again, best results - P.U.L.S.E version.

Any Floyd list, however, including this one, does tremendous injustice to the masterpiece that is The Wall, where each track lays the foundation for the next. Comfortably Numb sounds freakin' better when preceded by the 2 tracks that come before it, as does ABITW-2. Even if you're going to just listen to these 20, I'd recommend giving The Wall an entire listen, and looking up the lyrics as you go.

There you go, will probably come up with Led Zep or something in a while.

THE DIWALI CRACKER SERIES - FOR IN.COM

2010-12-18T20:21:00.000+05:30

Following are a set of comics I'd created for In.com for their Diwali celebration. Basically 16 different types of crackers.

DON'T CONDOM THIS POST, PLEASE

2010-12-01T22:02:00.000+05:30

It's that time again where I run out of ideas so basically I fill up space by pimping others' ideas. Heck, if they can do it, so can I.

So we turn our attention, on World Aids Day, to some fun with contraceptives.

@rameshsrivats: Muthalik Condoms : Will not allow fertilization unless the sperm marries the egg first.

@abhishekmadan: Adarsh Society Condoms: This erection is illegal.

@rameshsrivats: Shahid Kapoor Condmos.

@gkhamba: Manmohan Singh condoms. So polite you won't feel a thing.

@fakingnews: Hurriyat condoms. Use it after getting stoned.

@gkhamba: Paulo Coelho condoms. Available at Alchemists.

@maxdavinci: IIPM condoms: Dare to dream beyond durex

@diogeneb: Ferozshah Kotla Condoms. Dead rubber guaranteed.

@fakingnews: Media condoms. Now covers itself.

@fakingnews: Chetan Bhagat condoms. Available in two states for one night at call center.

@rameshsrivats: Ravi Shastri Condoms : Just what the doctor ordered.

@rameshsrivats: Kareena Condoms : For er... Saif sex.

@rameshsrivats: Mamata Condoms : Guaranteed that there won't be berth.

@siddev18: A.Raja Condoms: Hits 2G spots at a time

@rameshsrivats: @diogeneb Condoms : Moc'd son

Sorry if I missed out on some epic ones, Tweetdeck lost all my pre-6 PM tweets and searching for 'condom' on Dec 01 is not the smartest thing to do.

As I end all my Twitter compilations - follow these buggers. They're freakin' funny.

MY PORTABLE MEDIA PLAYER RECOMMENDATIONS - REVISITED

2010-11-13T00:15:00.004+05:30

(PMP = Portable Media Player, a term I prefer over 'MP3 player'. You wouldn't call Sachin Tendulkar a 'cover driver', would you? Thought not. Moving on...)

Last year, I wrote a post with my PMP recommendations. That post apparently helped a lot of people making a decision about the player they wanted to buy. So I thought I'd give you an updated version of that list with some of the players I've seen in the market over the past year.

I am by no means a tech freak. I just happen to like gadgets and love reading reviews. And I spend a lot of money on gadgets, so people generally tend to ask me before buying stuff like players, earphones, cameras and stuff. I hope this little list helps.

So here are the recommendations, based on what I've heard of them. Also, I'm classifying them by price since that tends to be the make-or-break for most people.

Oh, before we start, something you should know. Most PMPs come bundled with pathetic earphones. Especially the iPod. Companies do this to reduce the cost of the 'bundle'. More on how you can deal with this later in the article.

Cheapest possible. Just want something to carry around!
Recommended: Transcend T.Sonic 320, 2 GB (official link)
eBay India price: INR 1600-1800

A piece of advice - even though there are things cheaper than this in the Mallu-run 'Duty Free' section of your local shopping area, please don't go for them. They're as reliable as Chris Martin's batting. You want something that'll last a while, if not provide you sonic glory.

For this requirement, I can't see anything better than the TSonic. 2GB at 1600 bucks?! That's incredible! Plus it's got an OLED display (just dual colour though) and FM. Surely, that's all that the average john on the street needs till he decides to upgrade.

Okay, something better. Would be nice if I had a screen
Recommended: Transcend MP860, 8 GB (official link)
eBay India price: INR 3300-3600

This is quite simply the best value-for-money player in the market. If it were just 8 GB at 3300, it would still be a steal. Now, when you consider that it also comes with video, an inbuilt speaker, FLAC support (woohoo), fair amount of customization, FLV support (are you kidding me?!), an eBook reader (although I think the screen is way too teeny to read a book) and the clincher - microSD card support. Yeah. That basically means you can spend 2000 more and have a 24 GB player for a total cost of 5300 bucks. And it also comes with a lovely-feeling silicone skin case.

The Philips Go-Gear has been a stellar performer in this price range too, but the sheer value-for-money factor (which is what someone in this class would be looking at) of the MP860 just beats everything else hollow.

Right, I've got some more money. Some more sound quality, please!
Recommended: Creative Zen X-Fi2 (official link)
eBay Price: INR 7000 (for the 8 GB version)

I've always been a fan of Creative products. They somehow just seem to make nice-looking products which seem fashionable and geeky both at once. Just look at their website, how can you not want something from there? I've owned a basic model long back. I've heard good things about their products since. The Zen X-Fi2 has a touch screen and the X-Fi technology which makes the audio sound a lot better. There's microSD card support - always a plus. 25 hours audio playback is decent.

Remember I told you most PMPs come bundled with useless earphones? Mid-to-high-end Creatives are a glorious exception - they come with the not-perfect-but-very-efficient EP630s. This is a very nice thought by a company I admire - so that buyers don't have to cough up cash for some decent sound.

All the way! Gimme the best!
Recommended: Cowon S9 (official link)
eBay India price: INR 13999

My love for the S9 is well-known. And not without reason. The thing is quite honestly, the best PMP I have ever seen, the price is not frightening. It's loaded with features and most importantly, to people in this class, offers stellar sound quality which is the hallmark of Cowon. Prior to the S9, I owned the little champ, the D2. The prime reason I bought that was for the sound quality and the FLAC support, which was a little rare back in 2008. I upgraded to the S9 for it's better features and appearance.

The S9 is supremely light. Some people think the build looks cheap, but I love it. I've handled it very roughly for close to a year and I don't have a single scratch on the matte backside, and the unscratchable glass (pwns the iPod Touch with this alone). It has support for every format man has created. The AMOLED screen is stunning. I've copied some of my photos to the player and browsed through it, and they look absolutely gorgeous. But the real clincher for the S9, as for most Cowon players, is the sound quality and features. The amount of customizations you can do isn't even funny. Most PMPs allow you to set equalizer settings. The S9 is the only player I've seen that allows you to adjust the equalizer bands. That's right. Prefer bass guitar to 'thump'? Just change the second equalizer band's frequency. The multiple equalizer settings allow me to optimally and easily use my speakers, headphones and earphones.

If only it had expandable memory, it would technically be perfect. Practically, a 32 GB (or even 16?) capacity should be enough to keep you entertained for a while. And a while it will entertain you, thanks to the mind-blowing 52 hours of battery for audio and 11 hours of beautiful video on the AMOLED screen. Actually add a standard USB port also. Then it would have been perfect. I hate proprietary ports.

Of course, I managed to get the Cowon S9, 32 GB for a measly INR 12000 from the US this January. So that's another lesson for you. Take advantage of uncles / friends / bosses coming from the US. Amazon has been good to me so far.

So there you go, those are my PMP recommendations. I don't have any recommendations for the high-end category. Yet.

I know it's a crime to not have mentioned Apple. I think the Touch has one of the best interfaces, atleast the best I've seen, and is my default player recommendation for someone who wants something 'sexy'. The 160 GB iPod classic is an excellent deal if you are looking for a carry-all-my-music option. That said, I am not a fan of anything other transfer method than drag-and-drop and think using iTunes is a pain for copying music.

As far as ear/headphones go, my recommendation is unless you own a Creative, dump your earphones and get yourself a good pair. Even if you need to save on your player to buy them, do it. My recommendations:

1. Creative EP630 : At around 700-800 bucks, it's the perfect entry-level to good audio. It's in-ear as well, so isolates noise.

2. Sennheiser HD201: This is the best starting circum-aural heaphones (meaning they go OVER the ear instead of just resting on it). So ideal for basic home gaming / movie watching. INR 1000-1200

3. Sennheiser CX300 : This is a superb pair of earphones, and amazing value for INR 1800. Actually, I'm a huge fan of Sennheiser, the entire range starting from INR 410 can't do you wrong. Pick up whatever suits your budget / style.

4. Klipsch Image S4 : The best earphones you'll find under INR 5000. They sound fantastic. I've owned this for over a year and was simply stunned by the detail they offer for the price. The only grouse - the non-standard ear-tips, which is a pain to replace. Which is part of the reason I decided to search for a new pair.

If you have an uncle coming from the US, you may want to check out the lovely Grado SR60s or 80s. Very nice sound. Held in very high esteem among audiophiles. I have tons of other good headphone recos, like the excellent Sennheiser PX100s. If you have some 70000 bucks to spare, perhaps you might consider picking these up - apparently the best headphones ever created by man. I know, cough up 30000 more and you have a Tata Nano. But would you rather own the world's cheapest car or the world's best heaphones? I know my choice.

And oh yeah - Bose is sexy and all in the store, but most audiophiles are of the opinion that it's just well-marketed. They're good sounding, no doubt, but you can do so much better for the price. The earphones worth 7000 bucks have terrible reviews. So stay away from them is my reco. Of course, the home theater systems are superb, but I'm guessing a basis Onkyo / Denon setup with beat them to the ground.

Now, coming to my gear, incase you're still interested.

1. Portable Media Player: Cowon S9. See above. INR 12000, 32 GB (from the US, though)

2. Headphones: Grado SR80. Lovely heaphones. Made for pure audio. Sweeeeeet sound. I use this for extended listening sessions. INR 5000 (again, from the US. Unavailable in India)

3. Earphones: Sennheiser IE7. I can't gloat about these enough. However, I've just got them, so I'll give you a full review later. I've owned them for just a day, and I'm already in love. I've already discovered an extra guitar in Sultans of Swing. The many layers that Warren Mendonsa so painfully and lovingly put in Ode To a Sunny Sky are all so, so prominent. I don't care that I paid what some people would consider outrageous for earphones, they are simply amazing. INR 11575 (you read that right).

4. Speakers: Altec Lansing MX5021. I consider myself very lucky to possess this pair. It's very difficult to grab one of these, and now they've stopped production, apparently (How rare are they? I can't even find an official link. Providing a review from Tech2). These are probably the best speakers before you move on to the Denons of the world. Lots of thump, superb for music and movies alike. INR 6750.

Yeah, that's a lot of money for audio. But then, I don't bike, I don't game, I don't drink too much, I don't eat out, I'm not into cars or clothes. Might as well listen to my 360 GB music collection properly.

I hope this helps you guys. Feel free to share this with your friends requiring PMP help. Look forward to part 3 sometime next year. Audio peace to all you chaps, and listen to music at safe volumes. Unlike your career or dignity, you have a shot with your ears only once, so take frikkin' good care of them.

Oh, and one favour. Please do NOT ask me : "You spend 12k on Sennheiser earphones? Why didn't you buy Bose instead?". Reasons have been mentioned in the article.

PAKISTAN LOSE AUSTRALIA-SOUTH AFRICA ODI MATCH

2010-11-08T17:45:00.002+05:30

(Another tribute to Anand Ramachandran, whose style I'm shamelessly copying once again)

Shockwaves were sent around the cricket world as the Pakistan cricket team set another record by losing a match that didn't involve them. The 5th ODI between Australia and South Africa, played at Adelaide was heading towards a dull result, when the match referee, Aleem Dar, got onto the field and declared the match over, and Pakistan the losers.

"This is outrageous! The match was ours to lose! What nerve of these meddlesome Pakistanis to come and snatch defeat from the jaws of, er, defeat!", fumed a visibly shaken Michael Clarke, disappointed at not being able to extend Australia's losing streak to 41.

When questioned about his decision, Dar said that the match was getting way too dull and some life needed to be infused. "Also, I'm getting tired of all this every-time-there's-match-fixing-on-onus-is-on-Australia-and-India-to-revive-world-cricket nonsense. It's about time Pakistan got back its hard earned title of most controversial and unpredictable cricketing nation in the world."

Dar might not be speaking off the top of his head here. Concerted efforts have been made by the Pakistan cricket administration to regain this title. For instance, young Hamid Arafat of the U19 team conceded a six off a wide while bowling against the Holland XI. The Progressive Lahore Athletics and Hurdles Association became the first team in the history of recorded cricket to lose 24 wickets in a single innings. And in real news, of course, Pakistan conceded 48 runs off the last over to lose a match.

Reactions, as expected, have been varied.

"This is hilarious! With Pakistan cricket, who needs Faking News?" sniggered a gentleman on Twitter, known to his legions of fans as 'Gradwolf', causing owner of said website to shift uncomfortably in his chair.

"Remember the ball that Afridi bit? They used it in a cricket match and the ball broke into two before crossing the boundary. 12 runs.", remarked fraud Mallu Vivek Krishna, causing many to find merit in the rumour that Rajnikanth could be coaching the Pakistan side.

Players themselves aren't too amused.

"I wake up one morning and find that our team has lost a match we ain't even played? I mean, what's the sense being penalised for something you haven't even done?", remarked captain Misbah-ul-Haq, only waiting to be told the news that he was sacked as Pakistan captain.

South African skipper Graeme Smith was apprehensive. "I mean, it's nice and all for excitement, but it causes a bit of worry, doesn't it? I mean, just think. You'd be playing against India, but you'd be more worried about being eliminated from a NZ-Zim-Papua New Guinea tri-series. Or the Ashes. Or the 2038 World Cup. Or even the 4065 Decathalon in the Olympics."

AB de Villiers was too busy convincing people that he was not @ABVan to reply to our queries.

THE POTENTIAL AND IMMINENT FAILURE OF #PROJECT72

2010-11-08T09:11:00.000+05:30

It's been a reasonably good year, yes. Good bunch of comic-making, gigs, a new camera, moving in with one of my best pals and all that. Yes, no doubt, when the sun goes down on 2010, and me and my friends are left with a drink in our hands and a contemplative mood in our hearts, the year will be looked back at fondly and a toast will be raised to the same.

However, nothing's quite perfect. Like a Laxman innings.

2010 also saw one of the biggest bombs as far as personal projects go. I speak of, yes, #Project72. Now incase the question on your lips is, What the hell is #Project72, I recommend you take a quick detour to this post.

Yes, the grandiose plan of getting the scale to 72kg by the end of the year looks doomed to fail. Unless one of the following happens:
1. Liposuction
2. Dismemberment of a body organ
3. I stop eating

Now, neither is the best way to go about things, and as any dietician / website-where-you-can-get-same-gyaan-as-dietician-will-give-you-for-free will tell you, trying to lose too much weight at once should never be done. Hence, with about 50 days left in this year and over 10 kg to go, it looks plain to say that #Project72 will be a monumental disaster.

But we must always look to take positives and learnings out of our failures. Otherwise where would we be, no? So just like 'We were just way too cocky, maan' was the learning for the West Indies 1983-final-making team, I had my own learning for this year:

"Eating one pack of potato chips and rationalising that it's healthier eating than 5 Big Macs, 5 bottles of Thums-Up, 10 bars of Snickers and 25 pedas is NOT good reasoning."

Yeah, we've all done it at some point, ain't we?

(Impulse-purchase-while-at-Landmark-queue time)

Oh yum! A bar of Snickers!
But I really shouldn't be eating that. It's bad for me.
Hmmm.
Oh heck, it's got nuts. Nuts have proteins and stuff so the good part will compensate for the bad parts. And I'll walk down instead of taking the escalator. There we go!

(snacking time at home)

Ooooh. Look, a pack of popcorn!
But I shouldn't be eating that. It's bad for me.
Hmm.
Oh well, atleast it's not as bad as ordering a pizza, what?

(ordering a pizza day)

Yum! Pizza!
Damn, I really shouldn't be ordering a pizza. What of my plans to control diet and stuff?
Hmmm.
Oh well, I'm ordering only a medium. It's not as bad as ordering a large, surely.

And so on.

The good news is, of course, I'm starting to have my daily bowl of Oats everyday and there are major plans of resuming cycling. Like major. Also, I have purchased a weighing machine, which mocks me everyday. So that should act as some motivation.

Also, with #Project72 being a monumental failure in 2010, it gives me one less thing to think about for 2011 - a resolution. The time thus saved could be say, used to make a comic. That comic might be noticed by some talent scout from a major comics company in the US. I might draw for them. I'll become famous. I'll have a house on the Malibu, and a nice BMW and a 98 inch LED TV. And Sennheiser HD800s also.

Ok, now I'm being a little too positive.

Time to go have another liter of my daily water quota. Ta!

FOR SIDIN

2010-11-04T00:39:00.000+05:30

Inspired from random Twitter conversations with @nitinbhat, @telljeeves and of course the man himself.

A SMALL MESSAGE

2010-11-03T16:23:00.000+05:30

Yeah, I don't do crackers. If I want fireworks that give me lots of joy, I watch this.

SOME RANDOM POTTERY

2010-10-04T20:57:00.001+05:30

Some random stuff happened on Twitter, which I shall shamelessly pimp here.

Harry: Printer was almost out of ink, so I had to get 50% of this done with my blood.
Ron: Hmm, Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prints, eh?

Harry: Let's all go to Chennai and join Bikaang I say!
Ron: Hmm, Harry Potter and the Order Of the @bigfatphoenix, eh?

Hermione: Yikes! Harry and Dumbeldore are smoking up!
Ron: Hmm, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stoned, eh?

Hermione: Oh no! Harry just died listening to Iron Maiden's best track!
Ron: Hmmm, Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallowed, eh?

Hermione: Oh no, Harry's been arrested, & only Mamta knows by whom!
Ron: Hmm, Harry Potter the Prisoner of... Ask-a-Banerjee, eh? #desperate

And, lastly (thankfully)

Hermione: Harry's smoking up in the loo, and playing with clay!
Ron: Hmm, Harry Potter the Potter with pot on the pot, eh? #NowIWillStop

I couldn't get one for Chambers. Help?

(Talk about real-time collaboration! Just before I hit 'Publish Post', @Udupendra comes up with this gem - mildly modified of course)

Hermione: Harry's gone off to a furtive location in a suburb on the Harbour Line!
Ron: Hmm, Harry Potter and the Chembur of Secrets, eh?

Honourable mention: @SrinivasanMayur and @iPrash both thought of Chembur of Cigarettes.

Fun, fun, fun!

If you want more pottery, I suggest you take a look at this.

THE PHENOMENON OF NEW MONTHS RESOLUTIONS

2010-09-30T23:43:00.000+05:30

Let's face it.

Most of us are either:
a) Too drunk
b) In the presence of families

when we make our New Years Resolution. If it's the former, you're liable to say all sorts of things, including "I shall convert to Zoroastrianism by July", or "I shall achieve sales of 150% in my region" or, most ludicrously, "I shall reach 72 kg by the end of the year". If it's the latter, you'll be sober, but will still say things like "I will be a good boy" or "I shall not abuse while driving", or if you're TamBrahm, "I will get first rank in class. I will also take Carnatic classical lessons and will wear my poonal at all times and not just while visiting my grandparents."

The bottom line being, New Years' Resolutions are made in a flight of fancy, never meant to be taken seriously, and typically don't last beyond the first weekend. Especially since there's a time frame of 365 days to do it in.

Which is where the concept of New Months Resolutions steps in.

Face it, we've all been doing this at some point in our lives. "The first of the month is here! This month I shall save!" or "I shall have beer only once this month." or, still absurd, "I shall renew my year's resolution to get to 72 kg by the end of the year from this month onwards!".

It's not difficult to see why they're popular. They're easy to keep. They last for about 2 days on average, which still equates to 24 days a year, as opposed to the annual version which lasts for a week (ref: a few paragraphs up). Also, they tend to be private, as noone is liable to ask you "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAT's YOUR MONTH'S RESOLUUUUTION?!!!!". See? You can make a little promise to yourself saying that you'll make sure all your Excel sheets are formatted properly this month, and won't have to worry about anyone asking you about it.

And like cricket went from Test to ODI to T20, we have a 'weekly resolution' as well.

You know - the feeling that hits you on a Sunday evening when you think, "Shit, I just wasted that week. Next week onwards, I shall pwn!". Me for instance - I've been trying to keep my personal timesheet at work diligently. But it lasts only till about noon on Mondays. Oh well.

Anyway, happy new month, people.

WHY CHEFS SHOULDN'T BECOME DOCTORS

2010-09-19T17:42:00.001+05:30

Idea for this was thanks to her. Lethal combination we make.

Okay, so other people thought of it first. So what? :P

WHAT IF PINK FLOYD RELEASED THEIR ALBUMS IN THE FACEBOOK ERA?

2010-09-09T18:55:00.003+05:30

Yeah, interesting thought, innit? Well...

And of course, their eleventh studio album would end up becoming this:

WHEN THE BEATLES MET THE AMITS

2010-09-08T22:36:00.002+05:30

THE TRUTH ABOUT IIPM

2010-08-31T09:14:00.001+05:30

Hmm, so no wonder then, that...

THE #bloglike SERIES PART 3 - THE COWHERD

2010-08-30T17:52:00.000+05:30

My good fraand, Arjun aka the CowHerd is famous for collecting WTFs on his blog.
Small tribute to him this time.

WTF # 325: The Lady Saver.

Yes, saver.

WTF # 53465474567: The Skinless Condom

If you went WTF seeing that, then see the description.

IRON MAIDEN WISHES ALL MALLUS ON THIS AUSPICIOUS OCCASION

2010-08-23T01:06:00.001+05:30

Forgive the sloppy 1 AM MS Paint work. But it's heartfelt nonetheless.
\m/allu power!

By the way, the band 'Iron Moideen' was coined by Remil.

HAPPY ONAM AND ALL THAT

2010-08-22T23:25:00.001+05:30

Yes, it's Onam again. It's that time of the year when fraud Mallus hunt for their lungis, everyone wants to eat off a banana leaf, everyone tries to learn to say 'Onashamsakhal' and most importantly, stops poking fun at Sreesanth.

However, while all these festivities are happening, now would not be a bad time to get a few messages across to the rest of the country. From all us Mallus.

1. It's not pronounced Kozhi-kode. Really. I know, the 'zh' might make you think otherwise. But it's really not that way. Here's a simple step-by-step procedure on how to pronounce this place right.

Step 1: Say 'co' as in 'cogent'
Step 2: Say 'ri' as in how an American would say 'Rick'. Yes, rolled tongue and all.
Step 3: Say 'code' as in 'The da Vinci Code'
Step 4: Put them all together.

There you go. See, that wasn't too tough, was it? Just a bit of practice and you'll be mastering everything here in no time.

2. Porotta and paratha are not #sameguy. Really. Parathas are what you get in Punjab. They go well with lassi. And are usually stuffed with anything from aalo to eggs. Porottas on the other hand, are delightful gobs of good ol' maida beaten up.

3. We hate Sreesanth just as much as you do.

4. Typical conversation when meeting a TamBrahm from Kerala:
X: Wait, you said you're TamBrahm
Y: Correct
X: But then how come you're Mallu?
Y: *groan*

Ok - this is simple. Long, long back, a bunch of TamBrahms from this place called Tanjore in Tamil Nadu migrated to Kerala (to protect themselves from the war is the stated reason, I think it was because of the low supply of alcohol. Heh) and set shop there, in a district called Palakkad. Basically all Mallu TamBrahms originate from here. See, simple, no? Mallu by geography, Tam by lineage.

5. If you see a Mallu engineer, say the words 'PC Thomas' and watch him quiver in his boots.

6. You guys have no idea how much we laugh over the name Kundan Shah. Heehee.

7. Yes, we hate Silsila also, and if we can get our hands on the fucktard who made the thing, we'd kill him.

8. If Newton were a Mallu, a lot of school kids would be spared the 'Gravity' chapter in their physics textbooks.

9. Malayalam is complicated alright. Depending on how you pronounce the 'r', 'poori' is either a delicious breakfast item or an abuse. If you're in a seedy little restaurant in Kasargode, stick to ordering dosas if you don't have Mallu company.

10. Dubai is basically an annexe of Kerala. It could also be the other way round. So while scientists have solved the chicken-egg mystery, they're working on a new one now.

11. In Mallu slang, 'rocket' and 'masturbate' have the same word. Really. It would have been amusing if this movie were to be translated into Mallu, no?

Okay, that's enough. Have a kickass Onam and a great sadhya!

PS: Some hilarity was had around Vishu as well, here.

WHAT IF AAMIR KHAN WENT TO A BSCHOOL IN 3 IDIOTS?

2010-08-18T22:07:00.000+05:30

Oh, and. The management-type cartoon being referred to is this one. The stick figures in the penultimate panel are from The Vigil Idiot aka Sahil Rizwan's brilliant spoof of the movie. Check that out here.

THE MOST ANNOYING EMAIL ID FORMATS, EVER

2010-08-10T11:16:00.002+05:30

We've reached that stage in life where you look at a person and think of his GTalk handle before his name. You know, when one person is missing from your chat list, something feels wrong. Like a building you pass everyday suddenly's been removed, but you can't exactly put a finger on what's wrong.

Anyway.

No matter how liberal we get with our online expressions, there are certain email addresses that just make you cringe.Following are all of them compartmentalized for your pleasure.

1. The Random Year Format: This includes the name followed by a year. Makes no sense, apart from give an indication of which year the address was created. Eg, suresh2009@domain.com

Wouldn't be as annoying if the person didn't change his email ID every year.

2. The 4-bearers: And the prize for most annoying format goes to the ubiquitous 4-bearers. A breed of people who use the numeral '4' in interesting ways, ostensibly as a substitute for the popular English word 'for'. A sample of this is rajesh4u@domain.com.

3. 4SMSese: Variation of the above. Sometimes a person realises he wants more out of life than 'u', and proceeds to express his desire for other alphabets, usually strings of them. So then comes rajesh4luv@domain.com. Needless to say, very strongly associated with the franship brigade.

4. Grossly self-descriptive: Here's when people try to provide a brief Orkut profile on their email ID. So here you have the irresistible hot.kunal@domain.com and musiclover.ashok@domain.com. Thank goodness for character limits on email account handles. Or we'd probably have a tallhandsomeboygudbackgroundfamilylookingfordecentfemaleforfrenshiponlyplsreply@gmail.com.
And all of you buggers who wanted to have an address on MSN when you were 16 - out with it, all of you wanted the 'Hot Male at Hotmail' ID, didn'tya?

5. The case taker: The chap who CAPS it all. Or part of it. So you have SURESHGANDHI@DOMAIN.COM. What's more annoying is them reading out their ID and indicating the letters that are caps. So, ''arjun dot singh at gmail dot com, A and S capital''. Geh.

So let me make this clear, in language that you understand.

CAPS DO NOT MATTER IN EMAIL ADDRESSES (or website URLs, since we're on the topic). REALLY. TRY IT. WONDERFUL NO? THINK OF ALL THE KILOJOULES YOU'LL SAVE WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXTEND ONE FINGER TO PRESS THE SHIFT BUTTON WHILE TYPING ANYMORE. PUT TOGETHER OVER A PERIOD OF 15 YEARS, ALL 1 MILLION OF YOU COULD POSSIBLY SAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO POWER A SMALL CITY FOR A MONTH. You don't want to deprive that poor city do you? So be good, and don't use caps anymore.

(other recommendations from Twitter and comments)

6. Self-proclaimed Bonds: Guys who add 007 after their name. This one was courtesy Kaporegime from Twitter.

7. The college-goers: Yeah, how did I miss this. People who add their college name after their ID. Actually this isn't too annoying, just interesting to see what they do with their IDs after they pass out :P
(By Freakverse).

8. A combination of all the above. For what this means, see the comments.

I also wanted to add 'Guy with too many full stops in his email ID', but then remembered this. Oh well. Also my first ever email ID is embarrassing. Must delete.

As an annexe, the weirdest possible emails are those which say 'Please take 73 hard copies, submit one to the library, one to your guide and one generally to display on your bookshelf, and other 70 for administrative purposes.' and has a signature which reads 'Please consider the environment before printing this mail'.

We live in fun times.

ONE FOR THE FRANSHEEP MAKERS

2010-08-06T17:10:00.004+05:30

No seriously. Where would our dreary lives be without fransheep makers?
Following is the entire conversation one of my frands... Er, friends, had with a person who was obsessed with her. What makes it even more hilarious is that it wasn't even her real profile, there are no pictures or details of her, apart from a Calvin & Hobbes DP.

Slightly disturbing, yes.

Anyway, without further ado, furnished below is the full transcript for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy.

This suave gentleman's profile states that he's born in 1950. If there's one thing that can be said about him, he has a set of rather inspirational quotes on his profile, the first of which is a "Gandhi, M.". However, the last quote is his own, and that tends to negate things.

We love fransheepers, don't we?

Anyway, here's something I sent a friend on Friendship Day who complained that she hadn't received any friendship bands this year:

Soon after that, I made another one for another really really good friend who didn't get any friendship bands.

Such fun.